Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Vegan dessert

Taken from Facebook:

3 mashed bananas

1/3 cup applesauce

2 cups oats

1/4 cup almond milk

1/2 cup raisins (optional)

1 tsp. vanilla

1 tsp. cinnamon

Bake at 350 for 15 to 20 minutes

Monday, October 21, 2013

Purpose in life

John 9:1-3 "As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. 2 His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” 3 “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."

God has a plan for everyone. I love how Jesus says that the blind man was born to fulfill God's glory.

As I look at my life, I have seen purpose through-out the years but have come to a wall when it came to mental illness. I see so much purpose being lost. The fact is God told us that the illness was given so that God's glory would be revealed.

I feel very comforted that whether the illness was healed as in the blind man or not healed as in Paul's thorn in the flesh, the person still has a purpose to fulfill.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

When you realize you have empathy

I never could have guessed what was going to happen. I saw another person for the first time with voices and delusions like my son. Last school year I home schooled a 5th grader with autism. I was told he had mental illness too but I never saw it. His mother told me of anger outburst but I don't think I ever witnessed anything that I would consider abnormal.

Yesterday I was called and asked to home school this boy again. I said we could do a trial week and see how it goes. I could not believe my eyes and ears. This boy was talking of spirits. He worried the teapot on my stove was a caldron. He worried the small witch standing on the table was a voodoo doll. He stood on the furniture and screamed to God that he wanted to do what was right. He tearfully cried that he didn't want to have this illness. He called it bi-polar.

I was shook up for hours after he left. I have the same reaction when my son has psychotic moments. It was comforting to know that others also have this problem, but very sad that people have to suffer for voices and delusions they cannot control.

I am left with an emptiness of not knowing how to help. I feel I am more equipped than most to deal with the mental illness of this child but I don't know that my son should hear the screaming of someone else's suffering. This boy is on lithium. I question how long he has been on it and if its had enough time to work. I know my son continued to hear voices on zyprexa. It seems latuda has worked best for him.

My son has not had a psychotic episode in 3 months. I totally understand the seriousness this family goes through with their child. I understand they've had police called on their child and he's only 11. It's a long hard road but maybe I am entering a new level by working with someone else with mental illness. I do know I understand.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Mental Illness can be scary

I can almost say without a doubt that my son is not taking his anti-psychotic medicine. We've had more than 2 months of him being stable. We have gone out to eat, to movies, to the beach, to the grocery store. When he is psychotic nothing is easy. Leaving him alone or taking him with me can be anxiety filled.

It's like I'm counting the days for another episode. I sit on the couch just so I'll be there if anything happens. Sometimes my life shuts down. I haven't let that happen lately. I've kept going, but I do worry that he will have another scary episode. You never know what is going to happen-anger, sadness, voices, delusions, or mania.

I read an article on depression ( I can relate to this article because I believe just like my son's schizophrenia that he has no control over, depression is also not a choice. What people say and how they react to you makes a difference in how your day goes.

After reading the article, I realized that I had many of the same frustrations. I count my blessings through-out the day and still feel the anxiety that comes from dealing with someone suffering from schizophrenia.

The last diagnosis was severe schizophrenia with a poor prognosis. This was HORRIBLE to hear. Mental illness is scary. People need to be educated that they can be a friend to those suffering with mental illness.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Vegan orange stir fry

1 cup tofu


bean threads

broccoli, carrots, squash (or any vegetable mix you like)

vegetable oil

1 T orange juice

1 T Teriyaki

Cut up tofu in small squares and dredge in flour. Brown in oil.

Boil water; after water is boiling turn off heat and drop in bean threads. Let set for 8 minutes.

Add vegetables to browned tofu and stir fry until vegetables are soft.

Remove oil from tofu and vegetables and add orange juice and teriyaki. Cook until warm. Stir in bean threads. Serve.

Thursday, August 1, 2013


When my son was 3 years old he was doing simple math and sounding out words.  He loved to learn and by 6 he was watching the history channel, playing chess, and playing any kind of card game as well as teaching other kids the games.  It's hard to believe this same sweet child is now having trouble organizing himself for the simplest task.  We had to pull him out of high school because he wouldn't stay and the truancy would end us up in court.

Today we've had a day of disorganized speech, psychosis, voices, delusions....  It's hard to tell people you have someone you love with mental illness because people don't know what to say or do.  When you have someone in the hospital with a physical ailment, people bring you a casserole.  When you have someone in a mental hospital, people stay away.

I wish there was more understanding for mental illness.  My son has schizophrenia so we never know what to expect.  The right medicine has not been found.  Mental illness is not rare, people just don't talk about it.

Reach out to someone today.  Smile, give a hug...  I know that I am always so stressed that I would appreciate someone bringing over food.

I don't know if mental illness will ever be on the same level as other illnesses.  I hope that the people reading this will have kindness toward someone even if they don't understand.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Keeping thoughts positive

I heard at a NAMI meeting that you don't wonder if they'll be another crisis, you just wonder when it will be.  We've been in crisis the last 5 days.  It began with anger and rages and now it is disorganized speech, crying, and voices.

I wonder as I go through this how I am suppose to help.  I clearly benefit him when the crying starts and I am able to reinforce that the voices are lying to him, that what they are saying is not true, and that he is not dying.  Death and spirituality seem to be common themes.  I feel it's important for me to be here for him.

I am beginning to see my role in a new light.  I feel very uneasy when I don't get much accomplished in a day but the days I am available to be there for my son are priceless.  I am trying to focus on the good I do for my family and not worry that I don't volunteer as much, and don't work full time.  I am still a help meet for my husband, a mother to my children, and keep the house in order.

I am thankful for playing games with my children, cooking dinner for the family, getting paperwork done for the doctor, peaceful moments, money for food and home, and so very much more.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Set backs

We started a new medication, Symbax, in May.  After a few days we started to have some good days with no agression, throwing things, disorganized speech, voices or delusions.  He had a few set backs where he didn't take his medication.  After 4 weeks on Symbax I decided to take him off the zyprexa because the Symbax already had some zyprexa in it.  He did the best ever for 3 weeks!!!!  Today he's back to disorganized speech and rages.  I'm so disappointed.

I want to stay positive and remind myself that this is just an expected setback but it's hard.  Only the days ahead will tell us if I need to add back that extra zyprexa.

We've had a good long run where we've been able to take him to church, to the mall, to Grandma's house, on walks, to restaurants....  I love not being afraid of him.  I love being able to talk to him.  I love when he's not in a psychotic episode.  He can be the most easy going, lovable person you could ever meet.  He is always willing to help.  He wants to do good and then the mental illness takes over and takes him away from me.

I need hope for the future.  I need someone to talk to that will help me see the positive.

Life has its' challenges but sometimes I think it's too hard.  My heart hurts when we go through tough times.  I try to stay strong.  Tomorrow is another day.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Life is good

I think we've got a medication regime now where we can finally get some relief from crisis.  I cannot believe that we have had 3 days with normal conversation, good daily living habits, and peace.  I am not sure that I should have the confidence that he can be left during the day for me to take on a full time job, yet that is what I want to do.  It is very hard to know the right thing to do.

We have many decisions to make because of the mental illness and him turning 18.  Do we let him get his driver's license, do we gain full guardianship, how much can he handle?  Right now he seems to be so much better.  Right now he can drive safely....but what about tomorrow?

Taking things one day at a time is our only option.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

You can lead them to the mountain

I feel I am at the top of the mountain but I'm blinded by the clouds.  My stress level is extremely high.  I can see the positives but can't quite get to happiness. The thoughts are overwhelmingly circular.  I want to be more active but can't get there.  I want to work more but I'm overwhelmed by the responsibility of taking care of someone with mental illness.  I look for jobs but can't commit to pursueing the application.  The part time work I do now seems to be all I can handle.

I recently took a trip to Orlando, Florida and while it took about 4 days to be able to enjoy the trip without crying, I did finally accept the happiness and enjoy the trip.

  • I'm thankful for my son who showed us a great time in the Disney parks.
  • I'm thankful for a safe trip there and back.
  • I'm thankful for a beautiful condo we stayed in while we were there.
  • I'm thankful for a loving mother who shows compassion for the trials I go through.
  • I'm thankful for a wonderful husband to come home to and all the love he shows daily.
  • I'm thankful for the unconditional love I receive from my children and husband.
May I enjoy the mountain-top experience and learn to be joyful in all circumstances.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

...the shiny side of things

Draw me into your heart...
dear Father,
until I cannot separate
my soul from Yours.
An honesty comes to me,
when I am close to You
in prayer.

It visits me in solitude.
It comforts me in loss.
It balances the rushing days
that I must address.
It sheds new light
on doubtful things
that I  must clearly see...
so gently it releases
the hold I often need.

I'm made to see
the simple;
the shiny side of things...
there isn't very much
I need
to make my spirit sing!
But to pursue
Your purpose,
Your vision and design...
and dearly
to treasure it
and slowly make it mine.

Allow Your grace,
dear Father,
to make its home in me,
and help me stay connected
to Your reality.
So often, it escapes me,
when plans fall apart....
and yet, these very
grow a willing heart!

Life is the seed;
the promise.
It has a need within.
It has to die
to selfish gain
and then,
You're welcomed in!
So raise such havoc
in me...
dear Father, I implore...'
until I quietly
listen to You
and my attitude
is restored.

by Ruth Cronin

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The battle is on

O God the LORD, the strength of my salvation, You have covered my head in the day of battle.

~ Psalm 140:7

I feel like we are in a battle.  A battle with mental illness.  Today we are winning, who knows what the weeks ahead will bring.   Today we have a quiet, easy going day. 

For some reason I cannot get my mind to rest.  For several days now I stay in a mind of upset.  I don't know if it's the fear of not knowing what the future holds or just plain fear of what could happen today.  

This turmoil in my mind has made it hard to memorize scripture.  I meditate all day on one line scriptures and it doesn't seem to stick.  I was successful with "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain."  Psalm 127:1   The fact that this scripture stuck to my brain must mean that I can use it in my life.  I've thought of our physical house and the Lord in the midst of our conversations and actions and if he doesn't then it is all in vain.   

Lord help me.  Help Jacob.  Please let us conquer the battle.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

My Grandpa's barn

I loved my grandpa's farm.  From the pasture, to the mulberry trees, to the ponds, and best of all the barn.

Grandpa would let us take his car to drive around his pasture.  We'd weave through roads built around crops, fenced areas, and ponds.  If you drove far enough you'd get to the Pease River where the red mud would sink under your feet and the cool water would bring ease to the hot day.  We'd hook the trailer up to the tractor and have hay rides out for a weiner roast by the water.

Behind my grandpa's house, past the tire swing, were rows of trees.  We'd go there and pick berries.  Mom would make a pie but I liked the berries in a bowl with sugar and milk.

I'd spend hours in the barn.    I'd climb up to the top layer of the barn by climbing on the bails of hay.  Or I'd swing on the long rope hanging from the ceiling of the barn.  I knew every inch of that barn from where the cows would get branded to the stalls for cows giving birth.  I'd walk the wide expanse of the barn with  my mother.  Mom had so many stories of being about to kill a mouse by throwing a rock, her brothers playing tricks on her and gathering eggs.

I loved Grandpa's farm.  We'd go there every few months and enjoy being out away from town.  It was a wonderful childhood.

Friday, March 15, 2013


As I read through the posts that I labeled "Schizophrenia" I realized that despite medication we have had similar problems for 2 years now.  I feel like we have lost our son to the disease.  We had a good councilor session Thursday and will go back Monday.  It is believed that the best we can do for our son is to keep him calm.  We should not try to rationalize with him-he departs from reality and trying to get him to understand reason only frustrates him.  We were told to not upset him.  Let him ramble incoherently.  Only insist on him not breaking rules that break the law.  Thankfully he eagerly listens when he's not agitated, does chores and wants to be part of the family.

Lost refers to us in so many ways.  We don't have a good plan if things were to get out of hand.  This week I had an incident where he opened the car door several times while driving down the road.  At about 30 miles an hour he was dragging his feet so I stopped and he walked home.  Another incident he yelled and screamed to the point that Paul wanted him hospitalized.  The only way hospitalization is going to help is to keep him from harming himself or if they could find the right medication.  I have no hope that any hospital we have tried will help us.  We're lost.

The only stability we have is through God.  Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Don't worry but believe

From Facebook:  "I declare I will choose FAITH over fear!  I will meditate on what is positive and what is good about my situation.  I will use my energy not to worry but to believe.  Fear has no part in my life.  I will not dwell on negative, discouraging thoughts. My mind is set on what God says about me.  I know His plan for me is success, victory and abundance.  This is my declaration."

What a day.  I want to release the stress by talking about the mindless mutterings, anger and disruption of mental illness.  I want to state my frustration on my making a plan for the future that will not destroy us-it seems an impossible task.   I want to express my frustrations on not being able to have a conversation without disruptions, incomplete thoughts and non-understanding. 

I want things to be different.  I want to be understood.  I don't want to be yelled at.  I want love.

I still focus on the positive.  Today I thanked God for my dependable car so that I don't worry about breaking down, for being able to merge into traffic, for the house being clean, for the chance to put up laundry and keep busy, for a very good doctor's appointment where I learned I was anemic (an easy fix to the tiredness I've felt), for chocolate almonds, for good conversations, for my paycheck, for an easy tutoring session with Viviana. 

I only have one part of my life that is hard and it doesn't consume me.  I won't let it.  Nevertheless, I do have to make decisions, and have a plan of action.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Thankful Journal page 8

-What a beautiful view out my kitchen window.  I'm thankful for the green trees-in Winter!

-I'm thankful for a successful trip to CVS with no co-pay.

-I'm thankful for an understanding chiropractor with a listening ear.

-I'm happy that I have clothes to wear, a roof over my head and food to eat.

-I'm thankful for dirty clothes to keep me actively working.

-I'm thankful for the mishap where I searched for Jacob for 2 hours-good exercise in patience as well as body.

-I'm thankful for a helpful husband who cooked dinner because I was too stressed to think about it.

-I'm thankful for the peace I have in God.

-I'm thankful for my circumstances that make me grow daily.

Being thankful in all circumstances seems to be the lesson right now.  I Thessalonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

At this very moment I don't know where my child is.  He ran out of the house at 7 am and I'm waiting.  I am trying to focus on peace.  It's hard to give thanks.

He is truely out of his mind.  He left yesterday morning and returned around 5 unharmed but in a very emotional state.  He would be polite and kind one moment and yelling and angry the next.

I still don't know if we are dealing with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, or Bipolor I.  I have prayed non stop for God to hold my baby and keep him safe.  It's Monday and his friends should be in school so I don't know what my son is doing.

It's scary.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Soooo frustrated

I am trying to find someone that is a parent of a child with a mental illness that includes anger, psychosis, delusions, rambling speech....

I have exhausted mental health professionals to no end.  We're at a place to just keep him safe and we don't know the next step.

My frustration is at its peak today.  He doesn't see the erratic behavior he demonstrates.  Talking him in to going to yet another psychiatrist is probably not an option.

Anybody out there who's been there??

Friday, March 1, 2013

When peace doesn't last

The peace didn't last long.  We have returned to this rambling, disconnected thought process that is so hard to communicate with.  He leaves the house and I worry if he will be stopped and police called, because just talking to him makes you realize he's not in his right mind.  I am distraught and anxious about what will happen in the next few minutes.  I want sanity and right now it's not in the cards.

I realize this anxiety is from Satan.  I had peace in God.  I found a list I'd like to share.

God's voice-stills you, leads you, reassures you, enlightens you, encourages you, comforts you, calms you, and convicts you.

Satan's voice-rushes you, pushes you, frightens you, confuses you, discourages you, worries you, obsesses you, and condemns you.

By taking the time to dwell in the peace, to realize you don't have control, and let go, you can find peace in chaos.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

New Home?

I have this imaginary reality that we could move back to New Mexico and live a more peaceful life.  We have our church family there and friends that I miss.  I see us moving back to our old house (it will be newly rebuilt from the fire last month).  It may even save us money to move.

The downside is the kids don't want to move.  I know they've set up ties here.  Jacob has set up bad ties which he could easily set up in NM.

I think it probably just a dream not based in reality to move.  Don't we all have dreams that we think is best?  I'm waiting on an answer, but have pretty much determined moving is not the answer for us.

It seems that each time we move, it is measured with anxiety about starting over and an excitement of seeing new things.  If we moved back to New Mexico our reality may be different with a different atmosphere.

All in all I am very happy with my current situation.  I have come to love San Antonio, living near family, our church home and the people we know here.

But it still remains in the back of my head that just maybe a move back to Rio Rancho is a good choice.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Peace in chaos

I've been praying for peace for a long time.  This week was complete with broken rules, trouble with the law, unusual behavior, raised voices, eccentric behavior, no sleeping, little eating, walking out of the house, confusion.  With all that said, for the first time in 6 years, I have found peace between chaotic episodes.  I may not have days or weeks of peace like I want, but I have minutes even hours where I truly enjoy life and appreciate what I have.

Finding peace in the moment has been so rewarding.  I appreciate silence.  Instead of thinking-what should I do!!!  I think I will sit in quietness and appreciate this peace.  The peace has been such an unexpected pleasure.  I find myself loving every minute of "free time."

I still keep busy with the house, teaching, going to Ladies Bible Class, and Prayer Group.  These have become bricks on which I can build my stability.  I still want a non-chaotic life for my child but I accept what I have in the moment.  I will take each day as it comes.  Speak softly.  Not try to persuade to my point of view, but accept that he has a different reality.

I pray that I will learn the next steps for my son.  Right now I am exceedingly happy with the peace I have found for myself.

Friday, February 22, 2013

Scripture to read when stressed

Matthew 16: 19-21  "19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” 20 Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah. 21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Matthew 6:28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Psalm 91:14 "“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."

Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?"

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Thankful Journal page 7

-It felt so good to help my student with her vocabulary and math tests.  Small victories.

-Loved helping to give the ferret a flea bath.  It feels good to get things accomplished.

-I'm thankful that my husband will always forgive, love and continue to support me in all situations.

-I'm thankful we have plenty of glasses so when the kids leave them in their rooms, we don't run out.

-I'm thankful all 3 kids are safe.

-I'm thankful for the time spent trimming the rose bushes.

-I'm thankful to be caught up on dishes.

-I'm thankful I have people to help me cook.

-Justin called to serenate me after buying a ukelele!  I am so blessed.

Satan behind me

What a horrible Wednesday!  I can't express what it feels like to go a series of days with things going smoothly then have your son brought to you by the police.  I wish we could live out on a farm where we had more freedom and not be surrounded by the police, watchful neighbors, etc...  I don't like the "system" being involved in our lives.

I could say so much more about specific frustrations but suffice it to say-that was yesterday.  Today is today.  I have to let go of my 17 year old and watch him make mistakes and take the consequences.  It is very hard.

I've found ways through this journey to bring my spirits up and thought I'd share:

  1. Listen to music.
  2. Take a walk.
  3. Appreciate the little things.
  4. Be kind to others.
  5. Talk to a 6 year old.
  6. Talk to an 80 year old.
  7. Eat a 1/2 pint of blueberries.
  8. Write.
  9. Create something with your hands.
  10. Clean the house.
  11. Write a letter or send a card.
  12. Dance.
  13. Hug someone.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Thankful Journal Page 5

-Thursday was relaxing.  I appreciate taking a nap.  I appreciate the fun things we do as I tutor Viviana.  She made a heart out of slime today-not math going on-but a great moment.

-I'm thankful for a safe environment to face trials we are going through with a councelor.

-I'm thankful that I have time with Jacob.  Those precious, pure moments that can never be replaced.

-I'm thankful for a phone call from Justin.

-I'm thankful for getting clutter cleaned up in the house.

-I'm thankful for bathing the ferret with Jacob.

-I'm thankful for getting the car washed.

-I'm thankful for a walk around the block with Chelsea.

-I'm thankful for a cup of hot tea from Paul.

Thankful Journal Page 6

It is a happy day in our household-not because of anything particularly fantastic going on but because I have no crisis in front of me.  Oh, happy day!!!

Thankful Journal Page 6

-I'm thankful for the traffic opening up and being able to easily merge into a lane-those wonderful, God given joys.

-I'm thankful for a calm Valentines dinner with Paul.

-I'm thankful for being able to cook with Chelsea.

-I'm thankful for the good grade one of my little students made!

-I'm thankful that I have persevered and not missed a day's work since the house burned down.  Keep those depressing thoughts away from me.

-I'm thankful for the squirrels that run amongst our trees and provide delightful laughs at their antics.

-I'm thankful for the beautiful weather where I can go on a walk and get much needed excercise.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Self fullfilling prophesy

I think that I have come to tell myself that I have no ambition and that it has become a self fullfilling prophesy.  The truth is that I do have ambition.  I teach, I keep the house going, I interact with family and friends...  I think it is hard for me to get going at times because of the difficulties I am going through but I am focusing on God and praying ALOT.

As I read Job I realize that I am not destroyed.  I have a wonderful husband and it's me that keeps my head in the dark clouds-not him.  I have supportive kids that have only positive uplifting things to say.  Whether I learn to effectively pursue life with excitement and zeal is up to me.

The future I do not know but I am excited to find out.  Hebrew 12:28-Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Beautiful moments

I remember many years ago at band camp with my son Justin and it started raining during an outdoor performance.  The band was under a pavillion so we all started moving on stage with them and the concert continued.  The sound of the band surrounded and overwhelmed us.  The rain on the tin roof was incredible.  It was a beautiful moment.

I've come to realize through my thankful journal that I have beautiful moments every day.  My entries have become circular in that I have similar beautiful moments every day.  My entries show that I am thankful for time with friends and family, I enjoy teaching, and I love being outside and enjoying nature. These things repeat themselves as I start page 5 of my thankful journal.

I don't know what the future holds with my Jacob, or with my career, but I can be thankful for the beautiful moments that I have today.

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.  II Chron. 16:9

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

2nd week at San Marcos Treatment Center

We are in our second week at San Marcos Treatment Center.  From what I've heard the psychiatrist is looking more at depression and not the scary diagnosis we've heard in the past.  The councelor is working well with us and seems to be giving Jacob practical advice on how to get along with his family.

It's frustrating having Jacob hospitalized.  I miss not having him at home, having to get a pass to see him and then drive to see him, not having easy access to hospital staff on what is going on with him...

In spite of it all, I try to keep focused on the goal-to get better coping skills and have a more successful 2013.  Without hospitals!!

I'm still vigilant with my thankful journal although I don't think my mood stays as positive as I would like.  It's hard to focus on good when you want to say- but I'm sick of being worried!  I need to keep going forward and not step back.

Phone calls can be hard.  He's so frustrated being there.  About 1 of every 3 phone calls is really good.  The rest tend to go south.  He doesn't see where we are coming from but the family counceling is working on that.

Thankful Journal Page 4

Day 20-It's a beautiful Monday.  Nice weather-75 in January.  A beautiful work day at St. Thomas Episcopal.  I appreciate going there and teaching.

Day 21-A calm morning with Chelsea.  We sat and talked about job opportunities.  She worked on her Algebra.  I gave moral support.

This is a picture from Ponderosa, New Mexico.  It reminds me of the calm I have sitting under the trees at San Marcos.  In San Marcos I see deer, birds, squirrels,...  Jacob loves any trails we can find.  I just wish my knees would cooperate and not hurt so much.

Day 22-I taught multiplication and division today.  Who knew I could accomplish that!  I'm so thankful for my circumstances.

Day 23-I received cardio through kick ball today.  Thank God for kids.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The simple things

When you go through trials it can be hard to focus on anything but getting through the trial.  I believe, through my thankful journal, I am better able to focus on the little things that make life happier.  It is okay to be happy even when sadness surrounds you.  I think I've given myself permission to smile even though my son is hurting.  I don't know if he can gain strength through my positive attitude, but I do know that when I get upset, he's the first one to become sad because I am sad.

Getting through the days can be hard.  You want to solve the problems, and get on with life.  It's not always that simple.  The burden is heavy.

I remember my favorite moments-the simple little things:  a cup of coffee in the morning, sitting on the front porch, conversations with loved ones, cooking with my children, relaxing in the hot tub, having a clean house, reading a book, hearing the ocean, making someone smile, a hug, a back rub, and so much more.  I am blessed.

Be joyful always (I Thess. 5: 16)...finding joy in the simple little things.

Monday, January 21, 2013


It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full... Be grateful you have a glass and there's something in it.

It's been a trying few days.  Jacob ran from the hospital and now is on restriction so I didn't get to see him today. I dropped off an MP 3 player for him and wasn't even able to give him a hug and tell him that I love him.  The time he had when he ran from the hospital he loved.  It is a frustrating situation to have a loved one sad about where they are and there is nothing you can do about it. He's gotten into the habit of running when he gets anxious.  I pointed that out to him and he acknowledged that it was true.  Maybe that can spur a change.  We had 2 emotional phone calls Sunday night.  Today on the phone he sounded better-more hopeful.   I think they can help if Jacob will stick it out.  Only time will tell.

Thankful Journal Page 3
Day 11-I'm thankful sitting at a trail head quietly watching deer, squirrels and butterflies.
I'm thankful for time with my mom.

Day 12-I'm thankful for church-the people that show their care and concern in words and actions.
I'm thankful for the nap I had today.

Day 13-I'm thankful for the ride to San Marcos with Chelsea.  She kept my mind occupied and not over focused on things I cannot control.

Day 14-I'm thankful to meet Viviana's dad.

Day 15-I'm thankful I was able to calm Mick down from a tantrum. 

Day 16-I'm thankful for text messaging because sometimes I just don't want to talk.

Day 17-I'm thankful for the rain.

Day 18-I'm thankful for visiting new great neice, Brooklynn.

Day 19-I'm thankful for a wonderful, uneventful, calm visit with Jacob.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Thankful Journal page 2

It's easy to end the day thinking of the hills you need to climb.  I've found it helpful when I focus through-out the day on the little things that make life worth it all.

Thankful Journal
Day 6-I'm thankful for my brother calling to check on me.
Day 7-Even though it was just a few hours with Justin today, I'm very thankful for the time.
I LOVED sharing homemade slime with Aymee and Viviana.

Day 8-Sitting quietly with Chelsea is a pleasure I appreciate daily.
Day 9-I'm thankful for a husband who gets me coffee every morning.
Day 10-I'm thankful to visit with Jacob.
I'm thankful the vet took $100 off the bill!!  Two surgeries for $310 is much better than the original bill!

Thursday, January 17, 2013


I think I want to be in a happy state of mind so bad that I'm frustrating myself.  I find myself getting a headache.  It may be anxiety.  Anxiety for my oldest moving to another state and anxiety from my youngest being in the hospital.

I've always wanted to set things up so that everyone is happy.  It seems I can't control other people's feelings especially when I can't seem to bring myself completely out of the depressed state of mind.

I've started a thankful journal to recenter my mind and I'm putting scripture to memory that will remind me of God's comfort and security.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Thankful journal

Day 1-I'm thankful that I was chosen by God and that he has given me the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me.

Day 2-I'm thankful for Paul who never gives up on me, Justin who makes me smile, Chelsea who always has a hug ready and Jacob who loves me unconditionally.  I'm also very thankful for extended family, and friends who call, reach out and show me that I am important to them.

Day 3-I'm thankful for the comfortable bed I sleep in, the fresh cool air outside, and the birds that sing year round in Texas.

Day 4-I'm thankful for a good visit with Jacob.  It was the highlight of my day.

Day 5-I'm thankful I'm able to be self employed so that my schedule can be adapted to meet the needs of my family.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

More challenges

The schizoaffective disorder, mood disorder, chemical dependency, or whatever we are dealing with, is posing questions about what to do next.  We have had monthly episodes to deal with and no recognition (no reality setting in) of just how disturbing this is to the calm, happy family life we have when he's not in a manic episode.

He's in the hospital now and we are looking for the next step.  He resist medicine but he needs something.  We need a mood stabilizer that will calm the outbursts, agression, and difficulties he poses.

Paranoia is a part.  He has paranoia about flouride in his toothpaste, products tested on animals, expressions someone might make...  It makes for a difficult challenge because the break from reality makes it impossible to rationalize with him.

The worst was getting kicked off of Carnival cruise line.  I understand, they didn't know whether he would throw himself overboard.  Paul is angry and felt you shouldn't send someone with a mental disorder off into Mexico-setting him up for more problems.  He got home safely.  Life is calm with him in the hospital.

We are praying diligently that this is not a lifelong experience.  I don't know how I could ever deal with this lasting forever.  Forever is a long time.

I ask about his future-driver's license, high school diploma or GED, could he ever work?

Psalm 94:18-When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.

II Tim. 2:1-Be strong in the grace that is Christ Jesus.

Psalm 51:10-Renew a steadfast spirit within me.