Saturday, October 14, 2017

Hallucinations

My son talked to me about past hallucinations. He remembers that he could have a good day without voices and then things would happen at night. He recalls a 6 ft. elf that wanted to teach him to dance. He remembers getting on the stage but now believes it was all a hallucination. He also hears spirits knock on his door.

I remember him falling to his knees in front of the sun shining through the window. He said he saw a cross and believed God was speaking to him.

He's had many spiritual hallucinations with spirits, demons and fairies. We were on vacation once and he believed the fairies had stolen his socks. The fairies also steal cell phones. So he put a dime in the corner of his room to keep fairies away.

Another time the penguins were stopping him from opening the refrigerator. One time when he was in the hospital, he kept seeing wolves run by. He had a hallucination or delusion that he was married and had eight children and that he lived on another planet. These hallucinations can be comical and we can laugh about them.

He went on a walk one time when he was psychotic and got lost. He thought he saw police cars surrounding him but couldn't figure out why the police wouldn't help him get home. He called me to pick him up but kept talking about all the policeman.

The demons are the worst. The demons are mean and say evil things to him. He cries. NO! And he can get angry enough from the demons that he hits holes in walls, pours coffee out on the floor or breaks dishes.

Our hope is that we can keep the hallucinations away with medication.


Sunday, October 1, 2017

Greener Pastures

In February, after 3 hospitalizations in just a few months, we got the right combination of medications. We have had no suicidal attempts, no voices, no hallucinations and no anger outbursts. It has been good! It can be done. I wondered whether he would ever be without voices.

6 months ago we were desperate for some time away and went overnight. We worried the whole time but all was well. so.....pushing it a bit we went 3 days away. Still everything was fine. We truly have reason to rejoice.

In August we went on a family trip to California. And our son with schizoaffective disorder did well. He got up, walked the beach, went with us to Universal Studios, on a boat tour, to Santa Barbara Pier and had late nights. There was no complaining. All was good. We begged him for smiles and saw some on the boat tour. He loved taking pictures of the wildlife.

Now we are planning a cruise to Cozumel. Just the 3 of us. My husband, myself, and my son. I think the medication will continue to keep the voices at bay and all will be fine. Several years ago we went on a cruise and he had voices and delusions and was talking about throwing himself overboard. We had to leave the ship and fly home. It is my hope that none of these bad memories will creep into the new adventure.

I do have a tendency to have flashbacks. They don't last long and I can distract myself. I think I have some lingering depression from all the crisis we have been through.

All that said, we are at greener pastures now.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Medicine and SSI

We've been calm the last 2 1/2 months. The voices, and anger outbursts have stopped. He has been on a combination of lithium and seroquel. He still is unlikely to join in the family activities. Whether it is watching TV, going on a walk, or going out to eat, he keeps to himself. I wish this was different.

Good news! He started getting SSI which means he is considered disabled and can ride the VIA van. He also gets Medicaid which means we can sign up to get a caregiver. We don't know yet how to manage the money. It is not enough to pay for housing and food. We're trying to figure out just what it can pay for.

My son is 21 yet relies on me heavily. It is hard for me to leave the house. My husband and I went out of town and stayed overnight a few weeks ago and since he's doing so well we're going out of town for 3 days. I'm excited to spend some time with my husband. I also think it is very good that my son can be independent.

Thursday, December 1, 2016

Violence Returned

Last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, my son spent money on drugs and I told him that I couldn't give him money if he was going to spend it on drugs. He called me a bitch over and over. He really went out of control screaming at me. I was glad my other two children weren't home.

Last night, out of nowhere, he was in a bad mood. He confronted everyone in the household, myself, my husband, and my daughter. He called us bitch and asshole and broke a wine glass.

I don't know if this violence comes from schizophrenia or drug use. The psychiatrist said this kind of violence is common. He's on a mood stabilizer but I don't know if it's working.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Violence and Schizophrenia

In October 2015 we had a horrible incident where my son was hearing voices and attacked my husband. My daughter had several friends over, I went to bed and about 2 a.m. I heard screaming. I pulled my son off my husband and my husband went to the ER. He had several bruises but was otherwise okay. I went to church the next morning because you just power through. I don't know where the extra strength comes from when you are in trials like this.

This weekend, almost a year after this incident, my oldest son had friends over. I went to bed and started having flashback of the previous incident. I kept worrying that my younger son was going to go psychotic. Nothing happened. My youngest son is doing well right now. I eventually went to sleep. No one has ever diagnosed me with PTSD but I think I have some symptoms of it.

2016 has been relatively calm. My younger son has had a few incidents of voices but no screaming, or violence. We live in fear from what we've gone through. We don't know when it will return.

Friday, September 2, 2016

Riding the wave of joy and anxiety

I found my joy again! I don't know how or why but I am happy all the time. I'm not saying I don't get anxious but life is happy. My son hasn't cut in months and seems stable. We recently went on vacation to the river and had a great time.

We walked trails, went swimming and cooked on the grill. My son smiled and laughed the whole vacation. It was so refreshing. We had one episode of him dropping a glass pipe and breaking it and he cried. They was the only "abnormal" thing that happened on the trip. We ate out at Applebees which is hard for his vegetarian diet. We went to Wal-Mart and he played the arcade games. Just happy times.

I hope this normalcy can last. We'd like to go on cruise next year. Schizophrenia is so unfriendly. You never know when the voices and demons will return. I don't know when he will become hostile or angry.

Life is precarious.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Holding my own

Someone asked me how I was doing and I said, "Holding my own." That says books of information.

I am doing better but there are still several issues. I find when I drive past the local mental hospital, I wonder what I'd be like for my son to be back in the hospital. It seems being in trauma is now what I'm used to. It seems abnormal to relax so I rarely let myself do that.

I worry that my son spends too much time in his room. I worry that he is involved in pornography. I worry that he's cutting himself. I worry that he's sad. I find it hard to just be happy with all I have to be thankful for because I have all these worries that encompass me.