Friday, May 29, 2015

Proposed plan

When you're dealing with mental illness you are always looking for a plan of action. We have two things we are dealing with-my son's schizophrenia and my depression. We need a plan of action for both.

We plan to go back to the psychiatrist and perhaps get a medicine increase for my son in hopes that it will help the lack of motivation, focus and anger outbursts. I feel we have come such a long ways with him that I hate to jinx it by increasing the meds once again. He really wants to go to college and he needs the focus and stamina in order to do it. I want to know if a medicine increase will help. He hasn't cut himself since he dropped out of college. Yesterday he bought a cigarette lighter. I'm afraid it's to huff. There is no plan of action in place to stop him from committing suicide. He talks about it all the time. I think one plan is for him to start seeing a therapist to talk about options for his future. I'd like her opinion on if college is even feasible, what kind of job he can have and how to get him to do his hobbies.

I went to the therapist today about my anxiety and depression. She wants me to go to the gym regularly, invite friends out for lunch and try to make an effort for small talk. She said that I should start in the grocery store talking to the checker. There are many characteristics I admire of those with the gift of gab and the therapist thinks I can develop those attributes.

We have a plan.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


I've been suffering from depression for at least a couple of months. I have no desire to do anything ANYTHING! It's amazing to me that nothing can bring me joy. I will dread the most incredible things. I feel silly when I tell myself I don't want to stop for gas. It's like that simple task will take it all out of me. When in fact the more I do the more fulfilled I feel.

I tend to sit in the recliner, go on Facebook and watch TV. These things don't make me happy, I just can't seem to get the energy to do the things I should do. I still cook dinner, wash the clothes, do the dishes, go to work...but everything is an effort.

I am trying to make more of an effort in hopes the joy will return. I went to the library and got books to read. I use to love reading. I'm going to church on Wednesday nights in hopes that the joy for being around Christian friends will return. My goals are to exercise and to spend more time with my husband.

I pray this depression will not last. It is suffocating.

Saturday, May 9, 2015


We took a big step. He wanted to go to college. He did well on his placement tests. Talked easily to the admissions person and seemed to be on track to making it work. My biggest fear was him getting up and getting there on time. He doesn't drive so he has to be driven and picked up. I was wrong. Getting there was no problem. Actively participating while there was a problem.

I recently learned that motivation is affected with schizophrenia. He would get to class, leave to take a smoke break, be gone 40 minutes,write in his journal during lecture (mostly numbers) and not participate. Half way through the course we were called into the dean's office and told that he couldn't pass the way he was going. They wanted to withdraw him and try again in July.

He was all for withdrawal. He realized that he couldn't keep up with assignments. I'm afraid that starting again in July will bring the same results. He just isn't motivated to sit in class and learn. Then once he's home he's in the routine of sleeping, painting, writing poetry and watching TV. He could never focus to do assignments. He'd talk at length about the assignments, but never do them.

I pray that he can find his place and be a functioning member of society. I accept now that he's happy being at home with his painting and poetry. I feel anxiety at times when I go out leaving him in his room, but that's where he wants to be. He rarely goes with me when I ask him if he wants to go somewhere.

I wish I knew how to help him. We are currently going through many stressors. He's cutting, huffing, and having anger outbursts. I'm wondering if college was too much for him and that's why he's having these problems.

It's all so overwhelming. I appreciate the support I get through church, my husband, mother, daughter and son. It's hard to focus on the positive sometimes when you are faced daily with the challenges of schizophrenia.