Saturday, August 22, 2015

New Day

I started working at a new school. I am a teacher and the depression has really taken a toll on me on how I conduct my class. I just don't have the excitement that I use to. This past week has been in service. We get students on Monday. I am really looking forward to getting started. I am working at a small school for children with autism. It will be something new and I am ready to take on the challenge. I've noticed that I still get anxiety (rapid heart beat, difficulty in breathing) so I take the anxiety medicine about twice a day.

I think I am spending too much time on things that make me sad. I started posting on a mental illness discussion board, and joined a schizo affective website. This may be too much for me to handle. Right now my son is not hearing voices, and he is not acting out violently. We are doing well this week. I think the discussion board and website may just be reminders that I don't want.

I think the main things I need to focus on are things that make me happy-watching T.V. with my daughter, morning coffee with my husband, taking my son to Sprouts to shop, and lesson planning. I still try to do my hobbies-crafts, scrap booking, reading, but they haven't been bringing me joy. I try to keep doing the hobbies in hopes the joy returns.

I recently got involved in jury duty. The best part was talking to the other jurors. I met some really nice people. I tend to be shy and the whole situation of us sitting and waiting for the judge to call us in for interviews made it more conducive to "talk." I didn't get picked as a juror but the experience was really good.

I have hope for the future. I wish I could stop worrying so much about my son.

Friday, August 14, 2015


I keep counting my blessings to somehow get me in a good mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel joy anymore. I go out to eat with friends, hug Paul, make my family dinner, go to church, go shopping, read books, scrapbook,and I will start work soon. I wish I had the feelings...happy feelings that should go along with these things.

I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.

The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.

I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.

Saturday, August 8, 2015


The vacation was good. He talked to voices most of the time. Twice he left the house and couldn't find his way back. Once we found him and the other time the police brought him back. He had several minor anger outbursts. All were short lived and non-violent.

Last night he was yelling, "Stop it, No, Don't!" and crying. The next day I said something about him needing to get regulated on the medicine so he will be stable. When I mentioned this incident, he said that aliens were telling him that he was a rapist. He said, "Wouldn't you be upset if aliens were telling you that you were a rapist?" To him it is completely real.

Today everything has been fine. There haven't been any anger outbursts, voices, delusions or hallucinations. I need more time like this. I need peace. It's hard for me to care for him and not be anxious.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Raging adults

He continues with daily anger outbursts. You can say the wrong thing and he can get upset or he can think of a time in his past where he was treated badly and it can turn into a rage. Yesterday he threw a cup of coffee. It's horrible to live in a situation so volatile. I hate it. I wonder how we will be able to take care of him long term if this is how it's going to be.

The psychiatrist recommended depakote to help with the mood swings. We tried 500 mg for a month and it didn't work. She increased it to 1000 mg and he has refused the pill. We have capsules that I can open up and put in his food but don't have enough to last a month because he was expected to take the pill.

We go on vacation tomorrow and my husband and I are both afraid of his anger outbursts. We can't have a good vacation if he's going to be raging.

Is there anyone out there dealing with a raging adult? How do you deal with it? If this was my husband I would know to leave the relationship but since this is my son with a mental disorder I can't walk away. The police told me on Thursday that we're going to continue having problems as long as he's in the house. I know he won't get his medicine for schizophrenia without me giving it to him everyday. He's also not responsible for his financial well being.

I can't picture him living a successful life on his own but we can't live with him and not be afraid. He will threaten to kill himself or my husband. I don't think he's capable of either but it's scary.

Usually what happens is he'll get angry about something, completely upset us and turn our day from good to bad. He'll get over it in 15 minutes and we're left with the pieces to pick up. Whether it's our feelings that are frayed or broken glass, or something he's spilled-there's always something to clean up.