Friday, August 14, 2015


I keep counting my blessings to somehow get me in a good mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel joy anymore. I go out to eat with friends, hug Paul, make my family dinner, go to church, go shopping, read books, scrapbook,and I will start work soon. I wish I had the feelings...happy feelings that should go along with these things.

I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.

The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.

I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.

1 comment:

  1. Angie, your anxiety and depression are certainly understandable - -you are dealing with allot. You and Paul should be commended for not giving up on your son. I hope that his psychiatrist can continue to adjust his medication and find the right combination that will allow him to function - - it sounds like that right combo has not been found yet. We have a place in Houston called The Gathering Place (google it) that I think would be a great resource. You might check and see if SA has anything similar. Your therapist is working from a cognitive behavioral perspective on your depression. I do believe this can be very effective. It operates on the premise that you do the behavior (go to dinner with friends, read, etc.) and the feelings will follow. It's kinda like when you make yourself do something that you really don't want to do (like go to a party) and then end up enjoying it after all. Sometime an anti-depressant is needed to get one "over the hump" so that they can even do the behavior and I am sure you have discussed/explored this option. It's my prayer that your new job will be a positive experience and that you will get the support you need through friends, church, etc. that you need to help you cope with your situation. I know it is not easy and I can definitely see the benefit of your blog allowing you to express your feelings and, at the same time, helping others who are in similar situations.