Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Keeping thoughts positive

I heard at a NAMI meeting that you don't wonder if they'll be another crisis, you just wonder when it will be.  We've been in crisis the last 5 days.  It began with anger and rages and now it is disorganized speech, crying, and voices.

I wonder as I go through this how I am suppose to help.  I clearly benefit him when the crying starts and I am able to reinforce that the voices are lying to him, that what they are saying is not true, and that he is not dying.  Death and spirituality seem to be common themes.  I feel it's important for me to be here for him.

I am beginning to see my role in a new light.  I feel very uneasy when I don't get much accomplished in a day but the days I am available to be there for my son are priceless.  I am trying to focus on the good I do for my family and not worry that I don't volunteer as much, and don't work full time.  I am still a help meet for my husband, a mother to my children, and keep the house in order.

I am thankful for playing games with my children, cooking dinner for the family, getting paperwork done for the doctor, peaceful moments, money for food and home, and so very much more.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Set backs

We started a new medication, Symbax, in May.  After a few days we started to have some good days with no agression, throwing things, disorganized speech, voices or delusions.  He had a few set backs where he didn't take his medication.  After 4 weeks on Symbax I decided to take him off the zyprexa because the Symbax already had some zyprexa in it.  He did the best ever for 3 weeks!!!!  Today he's back to disorganized speech and rages.  I'm so disappointed.

I want to stay positive and remind myself that this is just an expected setback but it's hard.  Only the days ahead will tell us if I need to add back that extra zyprexa.

We've had a good long run where we've been able to take him to church, to the mall, to Grandma's house, on walks, to restaurants....  I love not being afraid of him.  I love being able to talk to him.  I love when he's not in a psychotic episode.  He can be the most easy going, lovable person you could ever meet.  He is always willing to help.  He wants to do good and then the mental illness takes over and takes him away from me.

I need hope for the future.  I need someone to talk to that will help me see the positive.

Life has its' challenges but sometimes I think it's too hard.  My heart hurts when we go through tough times.  I try to stay strong.  Tomorrow is another day.