Wednesday, December 16, 2015


We ended up putting my son in the mental hospital. So far it is going well. They couldn't believe we had dealt with him at home in the state he was in. They have him on unit restriction because they don't feel in his current state that he can go to a public place. It's funny because in his current state we've taken him to the store and many other places. We just tolerate the talking to himself and funny gestures.

We try to be as normal as possible. We take him out to eat, go to the store, go places. Since I started this post, he's been discharged from this hospital, put in jail, entered another mental hospital and is now in a partial hospitalization program.

We are thankful that he not currently hearing voices or angry.

Schizoaffective Disorder

I've been on a Facebook group page the last several months for schizoaffective disorder. I've also talked recently with someone who also has a son with schizoaffective disorder. I'm seeing the trends in behavior.

My son cuts himself, talks about his delusions and voices, and has trouble with hygiene. I've found these things are common with schizoaffective disorder. We've gone through some major trauma with our son.

It all started 3 months ago. The Latuda was not controlling the voices and the depakote was not controlling the anger issues. He was hitting holes in the walls, breaking dishes, and yelling through-out the night. He would say the house was covered with penguins or that the demons were raping him. He'd go on social media talking about the rape. It was all real to him.

We finally got the medicine changed from Latuda to Invega. It was just a small dose of Invega as he was transferring to a new medicine. The day was normal. He was staying in his room most of the time. His conversation was erratic. He didn't make a whole lot of sense, but this was normal for the last 8 weeks or so. I told him not to post online that he wanted to kill people. He yelled at me that it was just social media and he could post whatever he wanted. Then I told him we needed to clean his bathroom. The voices in his head made him think his sister said something rude to him and he poured coffee on her, what she was working on and the pictures I had out. I got angry that he would abuse his sister that way and told him to clean it up. He told me to leave his room or he'd kill me. I didn't leave his room and he held a knife to my neck. I grabbed his arm and the knife cut my arm. All this time my daughter was on the phone with the police. The police were there in minutes and arrested him for domestic abuse. He now is charged with a 2nd degree felony.

I tell you all this because it can go bad so quickly. You have to watch the signs. As soon as they are a danger to themselves or others they need to go to the hospital. He was saying he wanted to kill people. If I would have reacted then we wouldn't have had the whole knife incident.

Monday, September 14, 2015


My son with schizophrenia got a jury notice. He is so psychotic now. He's laughing, crying, talking and laughing hysterically. I didn't see any way he could do the jury duty so I took him to the bank to get a notary to sign the affidavit to get out of the jury duty.

He was so psychotic I wondered if he would be able to go to the bank to do the notary. It ended up being comical. I actually found myself laughing. When we got to the bank we sat down on the couches to wait our turn with the banker. Jacob was picking his feet up real high and taking big steps. One of the employees of the bank was watching him. His movements were all large and he didn't appear the least bit normal. He got down on the floor to color a picture with the crayons and paper the bank provided then with elaborate movements he folded it up and put it in his back pocket. He walked over to the coffee and made lots of hand gestures and looked closely at the coffee pot. I told him he could get some coffee and he did. It was at this time I noticed the bank employee still looking at us. I was afraid that they might call the police. It's not unusual that people are scared by the strange behavior.

No one called the police. We got the affidavit notarized and were on our way. On the way home his behavior changed from laughing and smiling to being upset. He started talking about his dad thinking he was on drugs and many other similar things that made him upset with his dad.

This psychosis has lasted 5 days now. It has lasted up to 3 weeks before. I hope it doesn't last much longer.

Saturday, August 22, 2015

New Day

I started working at a new school. I am a teacher and the depression has really taken a toll on me on how I conduct my class. I just don't have the excitement that I use to. This past week has been in service. We get students on Monday. I am really looking forward to getting started. I am working at a small school for children with autism. It will be something new and I am ready to take on the challenge. I've noticed that I still get anxiety (rapid heart beat, difficulty in breathing) so I take the anxiety medicine about twice a day.

I think I am spending too much time on things that make me sad. I started posting on a mental illness discussion board, and joined a schizo affective website. This may be too much for me to handle. Right now my son is not hearing voices, and he is not acting out violently. We are doing well this week. I think the discussion board and website may just be reminders that I don't want.

I think the main things I need to focus on are things that make me happy-watching T.V. with my daughter, morning coffee with my husband, taking my son to Sprouts to shop, and lesson planning. I still try to do my hobbies-crafts, scrap booking, reading, but they haven't been bringing me joy. I try to keep doing the hobbies in hopes the joy returns.

I recently got involved in jury duty. The best part was talking to the other jurors. I met some really nice people. I tend to be shy and the whole situation of us sitting and waiting for the judge to call us in for interviews made it more conducive to "talk." I didn't get picked as a juror but the experience was really good.

I have hope for the future. I wish I could stop worrying so much about my son.

Friday, August 14, 2015


I keep counting my blessings to somehow get me in a good mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel joy anymore. I go out to eat with friends, hug Paul, make my family dinner, go to church, go shopping, read books, scrapbook,and I will start work soon. I wish I had the feelings...happy feelings that should go along with these things.

I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.

The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.

I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.

Saturday, August 8, 2015


The vacation was good. He talked to voices most of the time. Twice he left the house and couldn't find his way back. Once we found him and the other time the police brought him back. He had several minor anger outbursts. All were short lived and non-violent.

Last night he was yelling, "Stop it, No, Don't!" and crying. The next day I said something about him needing to get regulated on the medicine so he will be stable. When I mentioned this incident, he said that aliens were telling him that he was a rapist. He said, "Wouldn't you be upset if aliens were telling you that you were a rapist?" To him it is completely real.

Today everything has been fine. There haven't been any anger outbursts, voices, delusions or hallucinations. I need more time like this. I need peace. It's hard for me to care for him and not be anxious.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

Raging adults

He continues with daily anger outbursts. You can say the wrong thing and he can get upset or he can think of a time in his past where he was treated badly and it can turn into a rage. Yesterday he threw a cup of coffee. It's horrible to live in a situation so volatile. I hate it. I wonder how we will be able to take care of him long term if this is how it's going to be.

The psychiatrist recommended depakote to help with the mood swings. We tried 500 mg for a month and it didn't work. She increased it to 1000 mg and he has refused the pill. We have capsules that I can open up and put in his food but don't have enough to last a month because he was expected to take the pill.

We go on vacation tomorrow and my husband and I are both afraid of his anger outbursts. We can't have a good vacation if he's going to be raging.

Is there anyone out there dealing with a raging adult? How do you deal with it? If this was my husband I would know to leave the relationship but since this is my son with a mental disorder I can't walk away. The police told me on Thursday that we're going to continue having problems as long as he's in the house. I know he won't get his medicine for schizophrenia without me giving it to him everyday. He's also not responsible for his financial well being.

I can't picture him living a successful life on his own but we can't live with him and not be afraid. He will threaten to kill himself or my husband. I don't think he's capable of either but it's scary.

Usually what happens is he'll get angry about something, completely upset us and turn our day from good to bad. He'll get over it in 15 minutes and we're left with the pieces to pick up. Whether it's our feelings that are frayed or broken glass, or something he's spilled-there's always something to clean up.

Friday, July 17, 2015

Drug problem

We've had days now of him talking to himself and laughing loudly. He seems psychotic. I don't know if it's drugs or schizophrenia. My main concern now is his anger outburst. I don't see how he can hold a job or go to college if he's going to get upset with people. The psychiatrist said that in his mental state he can't hold a job or go to college.

We know he took meth last week. I've read that anger outburst come from a withdrawal of meth. I don't know if this is what we are dealing with. We need a drug rehab. I talked to him about it and he said he likes to be at home. He thinks he can stop by himself. We need a way to monitor his money so that he doesn't use it on drugs.

He would like to go to college. Of course, I would like to see him be successful. My prayer is that he will become stable enough to go to college.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Schizoaffective Disorder

I feel we have had a crisis fed month. Our son threatened suicide several times one week end. We called the suicide hotline and they said to talk to his therapist. We went in for an appointment and was told that he is schizoaffective. He has a mood disorder in addition to the schizophrenia. She suggested a partial program. We started the partial program right away. The first few days were good. He liked the yoga and art classes. He got into one argument with a staff member because he wasn't in the group meeting he was suppose to be in. It went down hill from there. He continued to sit out of group and rejected help from the counselor and psychiatrist. He discharged himself after 5 days; it was a 10 day program. I felt we had been discarded. Help wasn't given to get him to stay in the program. We were just let go.

Two days later he cut himself so bad he needed 6 stitches. I went to his room to give him his medicine and his pants were completely soaked with blood. He had decided he would just bleed out. He had accepted death. We took him to the emergency room and they put him in a behavioral health unit. Again, I didn't think the hospital helped us as much as we needed. He went to the behavioral health unit on a Thursday night and was released on Saturday with no medicine changes.

We went back to the psychiatrist who increased the medicine he was on and added a mood stabilizer. We are on the second week of the changed meds. He laughs randomly so much that I worry about him.

I think the main concern now is the laughing. Last night we could hear him all night long laughing. He has laughed in his room all day today. He will talk to himself and laugh at himself. He has come to the kitchen a few times and continued laughing. I worry about him.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Proposed plan

When you're dealing with mental illness you are always looking for a plan of action. We have two things we are dealing with-my son's schizophrenia and my depression. We need a plan of action for both.

We plan to go back to the psychiatrist and perhaps get a medicine increase for my son in hopes that it will help the lack of motivation, focus and anger outbursts. I feel we have come such a long ways with him that I hate to jinx it by increasing the meds once again. He really wants to go to college and he needs the focus and stamina in order to do it. I want to know if a medicine increase will help. He hasn't cut himself since he dropped out of college. Yesterday he bought a cigarette lighter. I'm afraid it's to huff. There is no plan of action in place to stop him from committing suicide. He talks about it all the time. I think one plan is for him to start seeing a therapist to talk about options for his future. I'd like her opinion on if college is even feasible, what kind of job he can have and how to get him to do his hobbies.

I went to the therapist today about my anxiety and depression. She wants me to go to the gym regularly, invite friends out for lunch and try to make an effort for small talk. She said that I should start in the grocery store talking to the checker. There are many characteristics I admire of those with the gift of gab and the therapist thinks I can develop those attributes.

We have a plan.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015


I've been suffering from depression for at least a couple of months. I have no desire to do anything ANYTHING! It's amazing to me that nothing can bring me joy. I will dread the most incredible things. I feel silly when I tell myself I don't want to stop for gas. It's like that simple task will take it all out of me. When in fact the more I do the more fulfilled I feel.

I tend to sit in the recliner, go on Facebook and watch TV. These things don't make me happy, I just can't seem to get the energy to do the things I should do. I still cook dinner, wash the clothes, do the dishes, go to work...but everything is an effort.

I am trying to make more of an effort in hopes the joy will return. I went to the library and got books to read. I use to love reading. I'm going to church on Wednesday nights in hopes that the joy for being around Christian friends will return. My goals are to exercise and to spend more time with my husband.

I pray this depression will not last. It is suffocating.

Saturday, May 9, 2015


We took a big step. He wanted to go to college. He did well on his placement tests. Talked easily to the admissions person and seemed to be on track to making it work. My biggest fear was him getting up and getting there on time. He doesn't drive so he has to be driven and picked up. I was wrong. Getting there was no problem. Actively participating while there was a problem.

I recently learned that motivation is affected with schizophrenia. He would get to class, leave to take a smoke break, be gone 40 minutes,write in his journal during lecture (mostly numbers) and not participate. Half way through the course we were called into the dean's office and told that he couldn't pass the way he was going. They wanted to withdraw him and try again in July.

He was all for withdrawal. He realized that he couldn't keep up with assignments. I'm afraid that starting again in July will bring the same results. He just isn't motivated to sit in class and learn. Then once he's home he's in the routine of sleeping, painting, writing poetry and watching TV. He could never focus to do assignments. He'd talk at length about the assignments, but never do them.

I pray that he can find his place and be a functioning member of society. I accept now that he's happy being at home with his painting and poetry. I feel anxiety at times when I go out leaving him in his room, but that's where he wants to be. He rarely goes with me when I ask him if he wants to go somewhere.

I wish I knew how to help him. We are currently going through many stressors. He's cutting, huffing, and having anger outbursts. I'm wondering if college was too much for him and that's why he's having these problems.

It's all so overwhelming. I appreciate the support I get through church, my husband, mother, daughter and son. It's hard to focus on the positive sometimes when you are faced daily with the challenges of schizophrenia.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Feeling depressed

Yesterday was a bad night. He lost his phone and when he asked me if I was sad about it and I said yes, he erupted. The next 3 hours was tirades of cussing, anger, crying, and lots of talking. I kept telling him I felt bullied. I just don't understand the reaction. There is no understanding that other people have feelings. He finally apologized but also wanted an apology. I just don't understand the rational.

We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm going to ask for a medicine increase. I'm hoping the medicine can better control the anger. We've had a rough 2015 so far. The anger seems to be closer to the forefront than it was in 2014. In 2014 we were looking at disorganized speech and large body movements. This year it's talking to himself and anger explosions.

I read that showing understanding of feelings helps the schizophrenic. I think in the moment I freeze. When he says he wants to kill himself I just start saying how that's not the answer instead of saying I understand that he's sad. Maybe I can try it next time.