Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The battle is on

O God the LORD, the strength of my salvation, You have covered my head in the day of battle.

~ Psalm 140:7

I feel like we are in a battle.  A battle with mental illness.  Today we are winning, who knows what the weeks ahead will bring.   Today we have a quiet, easy going day. 

For some reason I cannot get my mind to rest.  For several days now I stay in a mind of upset.  I don't know if it's the fear of not knowing what the future holds or just plain fear of what could happen today.  

This turmoil in my mind has made it hard to memorize scripture.  I meditate all day on one line scriptures and it doesn't seem to stick.  I was successful with "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain."  Psalm 127:1   The fact that this scripture stuck to my brain must mean that I can use it in my life.  I've thought of our physical house and the Lord in the midst of our conversations and actions and if he doesn't then it is all in vain.   

Lord help me.  Help Jacob.  Please let us conquer the battle.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

My Grandpa's barn

I loved my grandpa's farm.  From the pasture, to the mulberry trees, to the ponds, and best of all the barn.

Grandpa would let us take his car to drive around his pasture.  We'd weave through roads built around crops, fenced areas, and ponds.  If you drove far enough you'd get to the Pease River where the red mud would sink under your feet and the cool water would bring ease to the hot day.  We'd hook the trailer up to the tractor and have hay rides out for a weiner roast by the water.

Behind my grandpa's house, past the tire swing, were rows of trees.  We'd go there and pick berries.  Mom would make a pie but I liked the berries in a bowl with sugar and milk.

I'd spend hours in the barn.    I'd climb up to the top layer of the barn by climbing on the bails of hay.  Or I'd swing on the long rope hanging from the ceiling of the barn.  I knew every inch of that barn from where the cows would get branded to the stalls for cows giving birth.  I'd walk the wide expanse of the barn with  my mother.  Mom had so many stories of being about to kill a mouse by throwing a rock, her brothers playing tricks on her and gathering eggs.

I loved Grandpa's farm.  We'd go there every few months and enjoy being out away from town.  It was a wonderful childhood.

Friday, March 15, 2013


As I read through the posts that I labeled "Schizophrenia" I realized that despite medication we have had similar problems for 2 years now.  I feel like we have lost our son to the disease.  We had a good councilor session Thursday and will go back Monday.  It is believed that the best we can do for our son is to keep him calm.  We should not try to rationalize with him-he departs from reality and trying to get him to understand reason only frustrates him.  We were told to not upset him.  Let him ramble incoherently.  Only insist on him not breaking rules that break the law.  Thankfully he eagerly listens when he's not agitated, does chores and wants to be part of the family.

Lost refers to us in so many ways.  We don't have a good plan if things were to get out of hand.  This week I had an incident where he opened the car door several times while driving down the road.  At about 30 miles an hour he was dragging his feet so I stopped and he walked home.  Another incident he yelled and screamed to the point that Paul wanted him hospitalized.  The only way hospitalization is going to help is to keep him from harming himself or if they could find the right medication.  I have no hope that any hospital we have tried will help us.  We're lost.

The only stability we have is through God.  Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Don't worry but believe

From Facebook:  "I declare I will choose FAITH over fear!  I will meditate on what is positive and what is good about my situation.  I will use my energy not to worry but to believe.  Fear has no part in my life.  I will not dwell on negative, discouraging thoughts. My mind is set on what God says about me.  I know His plan for me is success, victory and abundance.  This is my declaration."

What a day.  I want to release the stress by talking about the mindless mutterings, anger and disruption of mental illness.  I want to state my frustration on my making a plan for the future that will not destroy us-it seems an impossible task.   I want to express my frustrations on not being able to have a conversation without disruptions, incomplete thoughts and non-understanding. 

I want things to be different.  I want to be understood.  I don't want to be yelled at.  I want love.

I still focus on the positive.  Today I thanked God for my dependable car so that I don't worry about breaking down, for being able to merge into traffic, for the house being clean, for the chance to put up laundry and keep busy, for a very good doctor's appointment where I learned I was anemic (an easy fix to the tiredness I've felt), for chocolate almonds, for good conversations, for my paycheck, for an easy tutoring session with Viviana. 

I only have one part of my life that is hard and it doesn't consume me.  I won't let it.  Nevertheless, I do have to make decisions, and have a plan of action.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Thankful Journal page 8

-What a beautiful view out my kitchen window.  I'm thankful for the green trees-in Winter!

-I'm thankful for a successful trip to CVS with no co-pay.

-I'm thankful for an understanding chiropractor with a listening ear.

-I'm happy that I have clothes to wear, a roof over my head and food to eat.

-I'm thankful for dirty clothes to keep me actively working.

-I'm thankful for the mishap where I searched for Jacob for 2 hours-good exercise in patience as well as body.

-I'm thankful for a helpful husband who cooked dinner because I was too stressed to think about it.

-I'm thankful for the peace I have in God.

-I'm thankful for my circumstances that make me grow daily.

Being thankful in all circumstances seems to be the lesson right now.  I Thessalonians 5:18 says "give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

At this very moment I don't know where my child is.  He ran out of the house at 7 am and I'm waiting.  I am trying to focus on peace.  It's hard to give thanks.

He is truely out of his mind.  He left yesterday morning and returned around 5 unharmed but in a very emotional state.  He would be polite and kind one moment and yelling and angry the next.

I still don't know if we are dealing with schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, or Bipolor I.  I have prayed non stop for God to hold my baby and keep him safe.  It's Monday and his friends should be in school so I don't know what my son is doing.

It's scary.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Soooo frustrated

I am trying to find someone that is a parent of a child with a mental illness that includes anger, psychosis, delusions, rambling speech....

I have exhausted mental health professionals to no end.  We're at a place to just keep him safe and we don't know the next step.

My frustration is at its peak today.  He doesn't see the erratic behavior he demonstrates.  Talking him in to going to yet another psychiatrist is probably not an option.

Anybody out there who's been there??

Friday, March 1, 2013

When peace doesn't last

The peace didn't last long.  We have returned to this rambling, disconnected thought process that is so hard to communicate with.  He leaves the house and I worry if he will be stopped and police called, because just talking to him makes you realize he's not in his right mind.  I am distraught and anxious about what will happen in the next few minutes.  I want sanity and right now it's not in the cards.

I realize this anxiety is from Satan.  I had peace in God.  I found a list I'd like to share.

God's voice-stills you, leads you, reassures you, enlightens you, encourages you, comforts you, calms you, and convicts you.

Satan's voice-rushes you, pushes you, frightens you, confuses you, discourages you, worries you, obsesses you, and condemns you.

By taking the time to dwell in the peace, to realize you don't have control, and let go, you can find peace in chaos.