2nd week at San Marcos Treatment Center

We are in our second week at San Marcos Treatment Center.  From what I've heard the psychiatrist is looking more at depression and not the scary diagnosis we've heard in the past.  The councelor is working well with us and seems to be giving Jacob practical advice on how to get along with his family.

It's frustrating having Jacob hospitalized.  I miss not having him at home, having to get a pass to see him and then drive to see him, not having easy access to hospital staff on what is going on with him...

In spite of it all, I try to keep focused on the goal-to get better coping skills and have a more successful 2013.  Without hospitals!!

I'm still vigilant with my thankful journal although I don't think my mood stays as positive as I would like.  It's hard to focus on good when you want to say- but I'm sick of being worried!  I need to keep going forward and not step back.

Phone calls can be hard.  He's so frustrated being there.  About 1 of every 3 phone calls is really good.  The rest tend to go south.  He doesn't see where we are coming from but the family counceling is working on that.

Thankful Journal Page 4

Day 20-It's a beautiful Monday.  Nice weather-75 in January.  A beautiful work day at St. Thomas Episcopal.  I appreciate going there and teaching.

Day 21-A calm morning with Chelsea.  We sat and talked about job opportunities.  She worked on her Algebra.  I gave moral support.

This is a picture from Ponderosa, New Mexico.  It reminds me of the calm I have sitting under the trees at San Marcos.  In San Marcos I see deer, birds, squirrels,...  Jacob loves any trails we can find.  I just wish my knees would cooperate and not hurt so much.

Day 22-I taught multiplication and division today.  Who knew I could accomplish that!  I'm so thankful for my circumstances.

Day 23-I received cardio through kick ball today.  Thank God for kids.

The simple things

When you go through trials it can be hard to focus on anything but getting through the trial.  I believe, through my thankful journal, I am better able to focus on the little things that make life happier.  It is okay to be happy even when sadness surrounds you.  I think I've given myself permission to smile even though my son is hurting.  I don't know if he can gain strength through my positive attitude, but I do know that when I get upset, he's the first one to become sad because I am sad.

Getting through the days can be hard.  You want to solve the problems, and get on with life.  It's not always that simple.  The burden is heavy.

I remember my favorite moments-the simple little things:  a cup of coffee in the morning, sitting on the front porch, conversations with loved ones, cooking with my children, relaxing in the hot tub, having a clean house, reading a book, hearing the ocean, making someone smile, a hug, a back rub, and so much more.  I am blessed.

Be joyful always (I Thess. 5: 16)...finding joy in the simple little things.

Hope

It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full... Be grateful you have a glass and there's something in it.

It's been a trying few days.  Jacob ran from the hospital and now is on restriction so I didn't get to see him today. I dropped off an MP 3 player for him and wasn't even able to give him a hug and tell him that I love him.  The time he had when he ran from the hospital he loved.  It is a frustrating situation to have a loved one sad about where they are and there is nothing you can do about it. He's gotten into the habit of running when he gets anxious.  I pointed that out to him and he acknowledged that it was true.  Maybe that can spur a change.  We had 2 emotional phone calls Sunday night.  Today on the phone he sounded better-more hopeful.   I think they can help if Jacob will stick it out.  Only time will tell.

Thankful Journal Page 3
Day 11-I'm thankful sitting at a trail head quietly watching deer, squirrels and butterflies.
I'm thankful for time with my mom.

Day 12-I'm thankful for church-the people that show their care and concern in words and actions.
I'm thankful for the nap I had today.

Day 13-I'm thankful for the ride to San Marcos with Chelsea.  She kept my mind occupied and not over focused on things I cannot control.

Day 14-I'm thankful to meet Viviana's dad.

Day 15-I'm thankful I was able to calm Mick down from a tantrum. 

Day 16-I'm thankful for text messaging because sometimes I just don't want to talk.

Day 17-I'm thankful for the rain.

Day 18-I'm thankful for visiting new great neice, Brooklynn.

Day 19-I'm thankful for a wonderful, uneventful, calm visit with Jacob.

Thankful Journal page 2

It's easy to end the day thinking of the hills you need to climb.  I've found it helpful when I focus through-out the day on the little things that make life worth it all.

Thankful Journal
Day 6-I'm thankful for my brother calling to check on me.
Day 7-Even though it was just a few hours with Justin today, I'm very thankful for the time.
I LOVED sharing homemade slime with Aymee and Viviana.

Day 8-Sitting quietly with Chelsea is a pleasure I appreciate daily.
Day 9-I'm thankful for a husband who gets me coffee every morning.
Day 10-I'm thankful to visit with Jacob.
I'm thankful the vet took $100 off the bill!!  Two surgeries for $310 is much better than the original bill!

Frustration

I think I want to be in a happy state of mind so bad that I'm frustrating myself.  I find myself getting a headache.  It may be anxiety.  Anxiety for my oldest moving to another state and anxiety from my youngest being in the hospital.

I've always wanted to set things up so that everyone is happy.  It seems I can't control other people's feelings especially when I can't seem to bring myself completely out of the depressed state of mind.

I've started a thankful journal to recenter my mind and I'm putting scripture to memory that will remind me of God's comfort and security.

Thankful journal

Day 1-I'm thankful that I was chosen by God and that he has given me the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me.

Day 2-I'm thankful for Paul who never gives up on me, Justin who makes me smile, Chelsea who always has a hug ready and Jacob who loves me unconditionally.  I'm also very thankful for extended family, and friends who call, reach out and show me that I am important to them.

Day 3-I'm thankful for the comfortable bed I sleep in, the fresh cool air outside, and the birds that sing year round in Texas.

Day 4-I'm thankful for a good visit with Jacob.  It was the highlight of my day.

Day 5-I'm thankful I'm able to be self employed so that my schedule can be adapted to meet the needs of my family.

More challenges

The schizoaffective disorder, mood disorder, chemical dependency, or whatever we are dealing with, is posing questions about what to do next.  We have had monthly episodes to deal with and no recognition (no reality setting in) of just how disturbing this is to the calm, happy family life we have when he's not in a manic episode.

He's in the hospital now and we are looking for the next step.  He resist medicine but he needs something.  We need a mood stabilizer that will calm the outbursts, agression, and difficulties he poses.

Paranoia is a part.  He has paranoia about flouride in his toothpaste, products tested on animals, expressions someone might make...  It makes for a difficult challenge because the break from reality makes it impossible to rationalize with him.

The worst was getting kicked off of Carnival cruise line.  I understand, they didn't know whether he would throw himself overboard.  Paul is angry and felt you shouldn't send someone with a mental disorder off into Mexico-setting him up for more problems.  He got home safely.  Life is calm with him in the hospital.

We are praying diligently that this is not a lifelong experience.  I don't know how I could ever deal with this lasting forever.  Forever is a long time.

I ask about his future-driver's license, high school diploma or GED, could he ever work?

Psalm 94:18-When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.

II Tim. 2:1-Be strong in the grace that is Christ Jesus.

Psalm 51:10-Renew a steadfast spirit within me.