Depression and TMS

I haven’t written much about my depression but thought it might be helpful to write some things out. I’ve had 7 sessions of TMS (Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. I’ve had a very rough time. I’m finding the treatments painful. On top of that I’ve had terrible depression. On a scale of 1 to 10, I’d be a 10.

I have Tardive Dyskinesia, a condition that causes me to have involuntary movements in my hands, feet, toes, mouth, and ankles. I was prescribed Austedo to help with the condition and it made my depression worse. I wasn’t sure if it was the TMS, or the zoloft causing the depression. Now I’m thinking it was the Austedo.

My mood is very low. I’m not finding joy but I also have many physical symptoms (which could be the zoloft). I have headaches, nausea, and general aches and pains. My hope is that I will feel better once the Austedo is out of my system.

I will have 36 treatments of TMS for my depression. I will update on how the TMS is going.

Dealing with Major Depressive Disorder with TMS

I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression 20 years ago. I’ve tried many different medications. This year I was diagnosed with Tardive Dyskensia from a medication I was taking called vraylar. Because of this, I started looking for a new medication to help me.

After several trials and horrible side effects, my doctor suggested TMS. My first thought was-I’m not that bad off!!! He said that I did indeed have Major Depressive Disorder. I started looking into and the thought of this procedure helping me gave me tremendous hope!

I had my first TMS treatment a few hours ago and would like to share for those who are interested.

This initial treatment took about an hour because they did mapping and measurements of my head and a threshold test to determine what level to set the machine at. I will be using the Neuro Star rTMS. The initial pulses for mapping were tolerable but when they started the first treatment, it was mildly painful. On a scale of 1-10, it was a 6. I had pain just over my left eyebrow.

Immediately after treatment, I felt fine to drive and even went to volunteer at NAMI. I drove home feeling slightly nauseous, and anxious and I’m now relaxing.

I do feel drained but that may be the depression or just the anticipation of the procedure. I took Tylenol earlier but still have a mild headache; nothing too extreme but enough to be annoying.

I believe I’ll have 32 treatments covered by insurance! I’m ready to feel better.

Guardianship

Four years ago we decided to get guardianship on my son's 18th birthday. We wanted to make sure that we would be able to access his medical records when he becomes psychotic. We've used it a few times in the last 4 years. I think it is beneficial. What I don't know is if my son will continue to get better and not need us to have guardianship.

Since March he has not been psychotic. We have not seen him hearing voices or seeing hallucinations. I love seeing him get better. Just the last few weeks he has started smiling and laughing. I am seeing him return to us after many years of troubling behavior.

The fact is he is still schizoaffective and may need us to have the guardianship. We went to court Friday to file the annual report and keep the guardianship.

Hallucinations

My son talked to me about past hallucinations. He remembers that he could have a good day without voices and then things would happen at night. He recalls a 6 ft. elf that wanted to teach him to dance. He remembers getting on the stage but now believes it was all a hallucination. He also hears spirits knock on his door.

I remember him falling to his knees in front of the sun shining through the window. He said he saw a cross and believed God was speaking to him.

He's had many spiritual hallucinations with spirits, demons and fairies. We were on vacation once and he believed the fairies had stolen his socks. The fairies also steal cell phones. So he put a dime in the corner of his room to keep fairies away.

Another time the penguins were stopping him from opening the refrigerator. One time when he was in the hospital, he kept seeing wolves run by. He had a hallucination or delusion that he was married and had eight children and that he lived on another planet. These hallucinations can be comical and we can laugh about them.

He went on a walk one time when he was psychotic and got lost. He thought he saw police cars surrounding him but couldn't figure out why the police wouldn't help him get home. He called me to pick him up but kept talking about all the policeman.

The demons are the worst. The demons are mean and say evil things to him. He cries. NO! And he can get angry enough from the demons that he hits holes in walls, pours coffee out on the floor or breaks dishes.

Our hope is that we can keep the hallucinations away with medication.

Greener Pastures

In February, after 3 hospitalizations in just a few months, we got the right combination of medications. We have had no suicidal attempts, no voices, no hallucinations and no anger outbursts. It has been good! It can be done. I wondered whether he would ever be without voices.

6 months ago we were desperate for some time away and went overnight. We worried the whole time but all was well. so.....pushing it a bit we went 3 days away. Still everything was fine. We truly have reason to rejoice.

In August we went on a family trip to California. And our son with schizoaffective disorder did well. He got up, walked the beach, went with us to Universal Studios, on a boat tour, to Santa Barbara Pier and had late nights. There was no complaining. All was good. We begged him for smiles and saw some on the boat tour. He loved taking pictures of the wildlife.

Now we are planning a cruise to Cozumel. Just the 3 of us. My husband, myself, and my son. I think the medication will continue to keep the voices at bay and all will be fine. Several years ago we went on a cruise and he had voices and delusions and was talking about throwing himself overboard. We had to leave the ship and fly home. It is my hope that none of these bad memories will creep into the new adventure.

I do have a tendency to have flashbacks. They don't last long and I can distract myself. I think I have some lingering depression from all the crisis we have been through.

All that said, we are at greener pastures now.

Medicine and SSI

We've been calm the last 2 1/2 months. The voices, and anger outbursts have stopped. He has been on a combination of lithium and seroquel. He still is unlikely to join in the family activities. Whether it is watching TV, going on a walk, or going out to eat, he keeps to himself. I wish this was different.

Good news! He started getting SSI which means he is considered disabled and can ride the VIA van. He also gets Medicaid which means we can sign up to get a caregiver. We don't know yet how to manage the money. It is not enough to pay for housing and food. We're trying to figure out just what it can pay for.

My son is 21 yet relies on me heavily. It is hard for me to leave the house. My husband and I went out of town and stayed overnight a few weeks ago and since he's doing so well we're going out of town for 3 days. I'm excited to spend some time with my husband. I also think it is very good that my son can be independent.

Violence Returned

Last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, my son spent money on drugs and I told him that I couldn't give him money if he was going to spend it on drugs. He called me a bitch over and over. He really went out of control screaming at me. I was glad my other two children weren't home.

Last night, out of nowhere, he was in a bad mood. He confronted everyone in the household, myself, my husband, and my daughter. He called us bitch and asshole and broke a wine glass.

I don't know if this violence comes from schizophrenia or drug use. The psychiatrist said this kind of violence is common. He's on a mood stabilizer but I don't know if it's working.