Schizophrenia

Schizophrenia was a big word for me growing up. I heard many stories about my grandmother who had trouble taking care of my dad because of her schizophrenia. The stories are now becoming more real as I see someone close to me exhibit psychosis.

The stories of my grandmother came from frustration over her, love toward her, and the gentle wish from family to answer my adolescent questions (that never were completely answered, but I don't think that they knew the answers).

My grandmother did not want to take her medicine. Her medicine caused a paralysis in her face, tremors, and muscle weakness. I don't know what medicine she took. Without medicine, she wasn't always aware of her surroundings. She thought people were the devil, and could have bizarre behavior.

Now someone I love very much has had many hallucinations. They are "spirits" talking, explaining the world. I've seen social isolation, tenseness, lack of emotion, anxiousness, lack of activity and problems paying attention.

The medicine can control the hallucinations but when we we're going through a psychotic episode we don't know what to expect. We keep a close watch. We keep knives away. There are extreme laughing, rocking back and forth crying, screaming, good conversation, and sleepless nights.

I don't know anyone dealing with this. Please leave a comment if you can relate. Thanks.

If Satan gets me down then God picks me up

I just read an editorial by Andrea Seu where she states, "I'm trying to figure out what I am worrying about so I can worry about it properly." This hit me so profoundly because I have been going through a Beth Moore series on Esther. In this book study, Esther goes through tremondous anxiety for her people, and I have tried to dissect why I am feeling down, depressed, anxious, overwhelmed (you can fill in the adjective) so that it can all be processed.

Today I went to the dentist with Jacob. It becomes a 2 hour visit. I finish the paperwork for my Boys and Girls club job, I read some magazines, I work on my Beth Moore workbook and I still have more time. Before I know it, I am frustrated, tired, and my mind is whirling. Why?

Beth Moore points out how the devil has us telling ourselves that if __________ever happens, then I'll just ________________. Our fears become our vulnerabilities. Once the hold is there it is hard to overcome the feeling of inevitable failure. These same difficulties can become our strengths. For example: "If money is not there (the difficulty) then God will take care of me (the strength). If I stay unemployed (the difficulty) then God has a plan (the strength). If I don't continue teaching (the difficulty) then God desires to accomplish something monumental in me (the strength). If I feel unsure (the difficulty) then God's going to demonstrate His sufficiency to me (the strength). Of course that was personal, but anyone can complete the "If ____________then ______________________" statements concerning their fears.

A couple of weeks ago I was at the hospital with Paul. He was anxious about work which gives him both asthma and high blood pressure, neither of which are good going into surgery. I had many concerns over my yougest child and the health care he needed. My brother called about his employment situation, my son from France called to check in, and my mom called to talk about Paul and my brother. By the time I got home with Paul, just in time for Jacob's tutor, my brain was a mush of anxiety. After much thought and thinking it was too overwhelming for the "If ______________ then ________________" statements. Today I realized, "If I become overwhelmed then I can still serve God." I had proof. I supported Paul, I talked kindly to everyone who called, I was there for my son's tutor, and I managed to feed, comfort, and take care of Paul after surgery. "If Satan gets me down, then God picks me up." If I am overwhelmed then I can still be a blessing. Had I seriously never realized this! I think after difficult days, I curl up and cry. I'm thinking now that this might be okay.

Normally I would grade the day "FAIL." Now I have a different opinion.

Lessons my daughter taught me

I grew up in the era of "There is no free lunch." I've actually found myself many times over the years when the discussion is started on whether to give to the homeless. The concensus has been "No." The story has been that if you hand them a hamburger they will throw it away because they want money for drugs. Others have said that they've given people (asking for money) their business card, and noone called to get employment. Occassionally over the years I have given money to people. I think it was because my children were watching, and I wanted them to help people in need.

A few years ago my daughter and I were shopping and she suggested that we buy an apple for the lady laying on the bench in front of the store. She said the lady was there most of the time and that she didn't think the lady had a home. I told her that I didn't think the apple would get the lady out of her situation. Someone overheard the conversation and said, "Young people just don't get it, do they?"

We didn't give the lady the apple, and today driving past the same grocery store it hit me hard. I'm unemployed. It is hard to find a job. So many homeless have not chosen to be homeless. There are homeless that are educated, hard workers, veterans... I know now that helping is the right thing to do. Chelsea knew it was the right thing to do. I want to go get Chelsea and a bag of apples and feed some people.

Every city needs people to go to the homeless-give them food. Give them hope.

Asparagus Soup

Two weeks since my hiatal hernia repair and still on a liquid diet. Here is a soup recipe that I like.

1 lb. fresh asparagus spears
3 cups chicken stock
1 medium potato peeled and diced
3-4 stalks celery chopped
thyme
1 cup milk
salt and pepper to taste

Soak and rinse asparagus. Remove top inch of each spear, discard tough lower part, reserving middle portion of stalks. Add chicken stock, asparagus tips and stems, potato, celery, thyme, and pepper. Cover and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 12 to 15 minutes or until vegetables are soft. Remove asparagus stems and set aside.

Place half of the soup at a time in a blender container. Cover and blend at high speed for 20 to 30 seconds or until very smooth. Pass through a fine sieve and return blended soup to saucepan. Add reserved asparagus tips and milk and heat thoroughly, or refriegerate to be served cold.

Quiet Drive in the Country

Galm Road near Culebra

I went driving today. I needed to get out of San Antonio and go to a quiet place to read. I decided to go to Government Canyon State Natural area. The surrounding area reminded me of the Farm to Market roads around my hometown. There were large fields of wild flowers, trees that are growing on top of each other not having been thinned out in years, if at all.

It was tranquil to me. I love the beauty of a quiet river, or bench in a beautiful garden. This is the first time I had seen beauty driving along a country road. You may not see beauty in my pictures, but it meant something to me.

Take the time. Enjoy where you are.

Collier Bliss

It seems a typical busy day even though I am technically on summer break. I don't know now if I will have a job in the fall. We haven't received contracts. This causes stress, but also opportunity to think of the skills I have and how they can be transferred to a new equally rewarding occupation.

This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.

Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:


I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.

Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.

My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.

Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.

Vegan Chocolate Chip Cookies

2 1/4 cup flour
1 cup brown sugar
1 tsp vanilla
1 tsp salt
1 cup non-dairy butter
1 tsp. baking soda
1 cup sugar
1/4 cup almond milk
water for desired texture
1 cup non-dairy chocolate chips

Blend well and stir in non-dairy chocolate chips.