I've had many episodes of major depressive disorder over the years. Most are kicked off by an event, my husband going to war, my son being diagnosed with schizophrenia..., but this last episode started when I had a medication change. I have not been able to find a substitute medication in the last year and a half. My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness in February, and passed away June 10 so I am struggling. I thought it might help to relay how my depression is presenting.
I am going through my days in a fog. Every step seems to be a push to get it accomplished. I wake up 45 minutes before I need to get on the computer to start work. This is just enough time to get coffee and comb my hair. Thinking is a difficult task so I leave myself many sticky notes to avoid as much "brain" work as I can.
I smile. I talk to people. I encourage. I cry easily. I over-think. Every relationship is now being scrutinized. I feel so over-whelmed. When mom first died, many people sent cards and I couldn't read them. I didn't want to see that she was gone. Now I read them. I thank people for sending them. I feel the pain. I live in the moment.
Most days I get little accomplished. I may go to the grocery store. I may cook dinner, write some thank you cards, go to the gym. I'm thankful my family is taking up the slack. I sit in my recliner and pull the blanket up around my neck. The blanket (no matter hot I am) keeps me safe. My anxiety is high.
This is my day. I am in a fog. I live in the moment. I get little accomplished. I am making it though. I am moving forward. I am setting goals for the future and what I want to accomplish. Check back with me.
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Future. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Saturday, August 22, 2015
New Day
I started working at a new school. I am a teacher and the depression has really taken a toll on me on how I conduct my class. I just don't have the excitement that I use to. This past week has been in service. We get students on Monday. I am really looking forward to getting started. I am working at a small school for children with autism. It will be something new and I am ready to take on the challenge. I've noticed that I still get anxiety (rapid heart beat, difficulty in breathing) so I take the anxiety medicine about twice a day.
I think I am spending too much time on things that make me sad. I started posting on a mental illness discussion board, and joined a schizo affective website. This may be too much for me to handle. Right now my son is not hearing voices, and he is not acting out violently. We are doing well this week. I think the discussion board and website may just be reminders that I don't want.
I think the main things I need to focus on are things that make me happy-watching T.V. with my daughter, morning coffee with my husband, taking my son to Sprouts to shop, and lesson planning. I still try to do my hobbies-crafts, scrap booking, reading, but they haven't been bringing me joy. I try to keep doing the hobbies in hopes the joy returns.
I recently got involved in jury duty. The best part was talking to the other jurors. I met some really nice people. I tend to be shy and the whole situation of us sitting and waiting for the judge to call us in for interviews made it more conducive to "talk." I didn't get picked as a juror but the experience was really good.
I have hope for the future. I wish I could stop worrying so much about my son.
I think I am spending too much time on things that make me sad. I started posting on a mental illness discussion board, and joined a schizo affective website. This may be too much for me to handle. Right now my son is not hearing voices, and he is not acting out violently. We are doing well this week. I think the discussion board and website may just be reminders that I don't want.
I think the main things I need to focus on are things that make me happy-watching T.V. with my daughter, morning coffee with my husband, taking my son to Sprouts to shop, and lesson planning. I still try to do my hobbies-crafts, scrap booking, reading, but they haven't been bringing me joy. I try to keep doing the hobbies in hopes the joy returns.
I recently got involved in jury duty. The best part was talking to the other jurors. I met some really nice people. I tend to be shy and the whole situation of us sitting and waiting for the judge to call us in for interviews made it more conducive to "talk." I didn't get picked as a juror but the experience was really good.
I have hope for the future. I wish I could stop worrying so much about my son.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Anxiety
I keep counting my blessings to somehow get me in a good mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel joy anymore. I go out to eat with friends, hug Paul, make my family dinner, go to church, go shopping, read books, scrapbook,and I will start work soon. I wish I had the feelings...happy feelings that should go along with these things.
I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.
The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.
I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.
I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.
The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.
I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.
Monday, March 17, 2014
At a better place
I've finally got some answers. The psychiatrist said that the anger is absolutely part of the mental illness. The person we see between episodes is the real him. This was good to hear because when you are in the middle of it trying to give consequences it doesn't work. Now we just ride it out and talk to him about it as the need arises.
We are back to normal now. No yelling, or talking to himself. We are able to have a conversation. All is well.
I think I am feeling better not only because he is well but because I got a job offer. I was able to quit what I was doing (that I was getting very frustrated with) and return to working at the school. Hopefully this will give me the outlet I so desperately need.
Yesterday was peaceful. A nice morning in church and then some light housework.
It's still hard to talk about mental illness and the toll it takes on the family. I can't imagine the load it puts on the person with the mental illness. It is easier to get through the episodes now. I keep my composure somewhat better. I try to keep smiling and realize he doesn't mean much of what he says.
Yes, life is good right now. My babies are all safe and happy. I appreciate my husband and all he does. I'm at a better place.
We are back to normal now. No yelling, or talking to himself. We are able to have a conversation. All is well.
I think I am feeling better not only because he is well but because I got a job offer. I was able to quit what I was doing (that I was getting very frustrated with) and return to working at the school. Hopefully this will give me the outlet I so desperately need.
Yesterday was peaceful. A nice morning in church and then some light housework.
It's still hard to talk about mental illness and the toll it takes on the family. I can't imagine the load it puts on the person with the mental illness. It is easier to get through the episodes now. I keep my composure somewhat better. I try to keep smiling and realize he doesn't mean much of what he says.
Yes, life is good right now. My babies are all safe and happy. I appreciate my husband and all he does. I'm at a better place.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
...the shiny side of things
Draw me into your heart...
dear Father,
until I cannot separate
my soul from Yours.
An honesty comes to me,
when I am close to You
in prayer.
It visits me in solitude.
It comforts me in loss.
It balances the rushing days
that I must address.
It sheds new light
on doubtful things
that I must clearly see...
so gently it releases
the hold I often need.
I'm made to see
the simple;
the shiny side of things...
there isn't very much
I need
to make my spirit sing!
But to pursue
Your purpose,
Your vision and design...
and dearly
to treasure it
and slowly make it mine.
Allow Your grace,
dear Father,
to make its home in me,
and help me stay connected
to Your reality.
So often, it escapes me,
when plans fall apart....
and yet, these very
disappointments
grow a willing heart!
Life is the seed;
the promise.
It has a need within.
It has to die
to selfish gain
and then,
You're welcomed in!
So raise such havoc
in me...
dear Father, I implore...'
until I quietly
listen to You
and my attitude
is restored.
by Ruth Cronin
dear Father,
until I cannot separate
my soul from Yours.
An honesty comes to me,
when I am close to You
in prayer.
It visits me in solitude.
It comforts me in loss.
It balances the rushing days
that I must address.
It sheds new light
on doubtful things
that I must clearly see...
so gently it releases
the hold I often need.
I'm made to see
the simple;
the shiny side of things...
there isn't very much
I need
to make my spirit sing!
But to pursue
Your purpose,
Your vision and design...
and dearly
to treasure it
and slowly make it mine.
Allow Your grace,
dear Father,
to make its home in me,
and help me stay connected
to Your reality.
So often, it escapes me,
when plans fall apart....
and yet, these very
disappointments
grow a willing heart!
Life is the seed;
the promise.
It has a need within.
It has to die
to selfish gain
and then,
You're welcomed in!
So raise such havoc
in me...
dear Father, I implore...'
until I quietly
listen to You
and my attitude
is restored.
by Ruth Cronin
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
The battle is on
O God the LORD, the strength of my salvation, You have covered my head in the day of battle.
~ Psalm 140:7
I feel like we are in a battle. A battle with mental illness. Today we are winning, who knows what the weeks ahead will bring. Today we have a quiet, easy going day.
For some reason I cannot get my mind to rest. For several days now I stay in a mind of upset. I don't know if it's the fear of not knowing what the future holds or just plain fear of what could happen today.
This turmoil in my mind has made it hard to memorize scripture. I meditate all day on one line scriptures and it doesn't seem to stick. I was successful with "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain." Psalm 127:1 The fact that this scripture stuck to my brain must mean that I can use it in my life. I've thought of our physical house and the Lord in the midst of our conversations and actions and if he doesn't then it is all in vain.
Lord help me. Help Jacob. Please let us conquer the battle.
~ Psalm 140:7
I feel like we are in a battle. A battle with mental illness. Today we are winning, who knows what the weeks ahead will bring. Today we have a quiet, easy going day.
For some reason I cannot get my mind to rest. For several days now I stay in a mind of upset. I don't know if it's the fear of not knowing what the future holds or just plain fear of what could happen today.
This turmoil in my mind has made it hard to memorize scripture. I meditate all day on one line scriptures and it doesn't seem to stick. I was successful with "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain." Psalm 127:1 The fact that this scripture stuck to my brain must mean that I can use it in my life. I've thought of our physical house and the Lord in the midst of our conversations and actions and if he doesn't then it is all in vain.
Lord help me. Help Jacob. Please let us conquer the battle.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Don't worry but believe
From Facebook: "I declare I will choose FAITH over fear! I will meditate on what is positive and what is good about my situation. I will use my energy not to worry but to believe. Fear has no part in my life. I will not dwell on negative, discouraging thoughts. My mind is set on what God says about me. I know His plan for me is success, victory and abundance. This is my declaration."
What a day. I want to release the stress by talking about the mindless mutterings, anger and disruption of mental illness. I want to state my frustration on my making a plan for the future that will not destroy us-it seems an impossible task. I want to express my frustrations on not being able to have a conversation without disruptions, incomplete thoughts and non-understanding.
I want things to be different. I want to be understood. I don't want to be yelled at. I want love.
I still focus on the positive. Today I thanked God for my dependable car so that I don't worry about breaking down, for being able to merge into traffic, for the house being clean, for the chance to put up laundry and keep busy, for a very good doctor's appointment where I learned I was anemic (an easy fix to the tiredness I've felt), for chocolate almonds, for good conversations, for my paycheck, for an easy tutoring session with Viviana.
I only have one part of my life that is hard and it doesn't consume me. I won't let it. Nevertheless, I do have to make decisions, and have a plan of action.
What a day. I want to release the stress by talking about the mindless mutterings, anger and disruption of mental illness. I want to state my frustration on my making a plan for the future that will not destroy us-it seems an impossible task. I want to express my frustrations on not being able to have a conversation without disruptions, incomplete thoughts and non-understanding.
I want things to be different. I want to be understood. I don't want to be yelled at. I want love.
I still focus on the positive. Today I thanked God for my dependable car so that I don't worry about breaking down, for being able to merge into traffic, for the house being clean, for the chance to put up laundry and keep busy, for a very good doctor's appointment where I learned I was anemic (an easy fix to the tiredness I've felt), for chocolate almonds, for good conversations, for my paycheck, for an easy tutoring session with Viviana.
I only have one part of my life that is hard and it doesn't consume me. I won't let it. Nevertheless, I do have to make decisions, and have a plan of action.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Soooo frustrated
I am trying to find someone that is a parent of a child with a mental illness that includes anger, psychosis, delusions, rambling speech....
I have exhausted mental health professionals to no end. We're at a place to just keep him safe and we don't know the next step.
My frustration is at its peak today. He doesn't see the erratic behavior he demonstrates. Talking him in to going to yet another psychiatrist is probably not an option.
Anybody out there who's been there??
I have exhausted mental health professionals to no end. We're at a place to just keep him safe and we don't know the next step.
My frustration is at its peak today. He doesn't see the erratic behavior he demonstrates. Talking him in to going to yet another psychiatrist is probably not an option.
Anybody out there who's been there??
Thursday, February 28, 2013
New Home?
I have this imaginary reality that we could move back to New Mexico and live a more peaceful life. We have our church family there and friends that I miss. I see us moving back to our old house (it will be newly rebuilt from the fire last month). It may even save us money to move.
The downside is the kids don't want to move. I know they've set up ties here. Jacob has set up bad ties which he could easily set up in NM.
I think it probably just a dream not based in reality to move. Don't we all have dreams that we think is best? I'm waiting on an answer, but have pretty much determined moving is not the answer for us.
It seems that each time we move, it is measured with anxiety about starting over and an excitement of seeing new things. If we moved back to New Mexico our reality may be different with a different atmosphere.
All in all I am very happy with my current situation. I have come to love San Antonio, living near family, our church home and the people we know here.
But it still remains in the back of my head that just maybe a move back to Rio Rancho is a good choice.
The downside is the kids don't want to move. I know they've set up ties here. Jacob has set up bad ties which he could easily set up in NM.
I think it probably just a dream not based in reality to move. Don't we all have dreams that we think is best? I'm waiting on an answer, but have pretty much determined moving is not the answer for us.
It seems that each time we move, it is measured with anxiety about starting over and an excitement of seeing new things. If we moved back to New Mexico our reality may be different with a different atmosphere.
All in all I am very happy with my current situation. I have come to love San Antonio, living near family, our church home and the people we know here.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Satan behind me
What a horrible Wednesday! I can't express what it feels like to go a series of days with things going smoothly then have your son brought to you by the police. I wish we could live out on a farm where we had more freedom and not be surrounded by the police, watchful neighbors, etc... I don't like the "system" being involved in our lives.
I could say so much more about specific frustrations but suffice it to say-that was yesterday. Today is today. I have to let go of my 17 year old and watch him make mistakes and take the consequences. It is very hard.
I've found ways through this journey to bring my spirits up and thought I'd share:
I could say so much more about specific frustrations but suffice it to say-that was yesterday. Today is today. I have to let go of my 17 year old and watch him make mistakes and take the consequences. It is very hard.
I've found ways through this journey to bring my spirits up and thought I'd share:
- Listen to music.
- Take a walk.
- Appreciate the little things.
- Be kind to others.
- Talk to a 6 year old.
- Talk to an 80 year old.
- Eat a 1/2 pint of blueberries.
- Write.
- Create something with your hands.
- Clean the house.
- Write a letter or send a card.
- Dance.
- Hug someone.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Thankful Journal Page 6
It is a happy day in our household-not because of anything particularly fantastic going on but because I have no crisis in front of me. Oh, happy day!!!
Thankful Journal Page 6
-I'm thankful for the traffic opening up and being able to easily merge into a lane-those wonderful, God given joys.
-I'm thankful for a calm Valentines dinner with Paul.
-I'm thankful for being able to cook with Chelsea.
-I'm thankful for the good grade one of my little students made!
-I'm thankful that I have persevered and not missed a day's work since the house burned down. Keep those depressing thoughts away from me.
-I'm thankful for the squirrels that run amongst our trees and provide delightful laughs at their antics.
-I'm thankful for the beautiful weather where I can go on a walk and get much needed excercise.
Thankful Journal Page 6
-I'm thankful for the traffic opening up and being able to easily merge into a lane-those wonderful, God given joys.
-I'm thankful for a calm Valentines dinner with Paul.
-I'm thankful for being able to cook with Chelsea.
-I'm thankful for the good grade one of my little students made!
-I'm thankful that I have persevered and not missed a day's work since the house burned down. Keep those depressing thoughts away from me.
-I'm thankful for the squirrels that run amongst our trees and provide delightful laughs at their antics.
-I'm thankful for the beautiful weather where I can go on a walk and get much needed excercise.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Self fullfilling prophesy
I think that I have come to tell myself that I have no ambition and that it has become a self fullfilling prophesy. The truth is that I do have ambition. I teach, I keep the house going, I interact with family and friends... I think it is hard for me to get going at times because of the difficulties I am going through but I am focusing on God and praying ALOT.
As I read Job I realize that I am not destroyed. I have a wonderful husband and it's me that keeps my head in the dark clouds-not him. I have supportive kids that have only positive uplifting things to say. Whether I learn to effectively pursue life with excitement and zeal is up to me.
The future I do not know but I am excited to find out. Hebrew 12:28-Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.
As I read Job I realize that I am not destroyed. I have a wonderful husband and it's me that keeps my head in the dark clouds-not him. I have supportive kids that have only positive uplifting things to say. Whether I learn to effectively pursue life with excitement and zeal is up to me.
The future I do not know but I am excited to find out. Hebrew 12:28-Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Beautiful moments
I remember many years ago at band camp with my son Justin and it started raining during an outdoor performance. The band was under a pavillion so we all started moving on stage with them and the concert continued. The sound of the band surrounded and overwhelmed us. The rain on the tin roof was incredible. It was a beautiful moment.
I've come to realize through my thankful journal that I have beautiful moments every day. My entries have become circular in that I have similar beautiful moments every day. My entries show that I am thankful for time with friends and family, I enjoy teaching, and I love being outside and enjoying nature. These things repeat themselves as I start page 5 of my thankful journal.
I don't know what the future holds with my Jacob, or with my career, but I can be thankful for the beautiful moments that I have today.
For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. II Chron. 16:9
I've come to realize through my thankful journal that I have beautiful moments every day. My entries have become circular in that I have similar beautiful moments every day. My entries show that I am thankful for time with friends and family, I enjoy teaching, and I love being outside and enjoying nature. These things repeat themselves as I start page 5 of my thankful journal.
I don't know what the future holds with my Jacob, or with my career, but I can be thankful for the beautiful moments that I have today.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
2nd week at San Marcos Treatment Center
We are in our second week at San Marcos Treatment Center. From what I've heard the psychiatrist is looking more at depression and not the scary diagnosis we've heard in the past. The councelor is working well with us and seems to be giving Jacob practical advice on how to get along with his family.
It's frustrating having Jacob hospitalized. I miss not having him at home, having to get a pass to see him and then drive to see him, not having easy access to hospital staff on what is going on with him...
In spite of it all, I try to keep focused on the goal-to get better coping skills and have a more successful 2013. Without hospitals!!
I'm still vigilant with my thankful journal although I don't think my mood stays as positive as I would like. It's hard to focus on good when you want to say- but I'm sick of being worried! I need to keep going forward and not step back.
Phone calls can be hard. He's so frustrated being there. About 1 of every 3 phone calls is really good. The rest tend to go south. He doesn't see where we are coming from but the family counceling is working on that.
Thankful Journal Page 4
Day 20-It's a beautiful Monday. Nice weather-75 in January. A beautiful work day at St. Thomas Episcopal. I appreciate going there and teaching.
Day 21-A calm morning with Chelsea. We sat and talked about job opportunities. She worked on her Algebra. I gave moral support.
This is a picture from Ponderosa, New Mexico. It reminds me of the calm I have sitting under the trees at San Marcos. In San Marcos I see deer, birds, squirrels,... Jacob loves any trails we can find. I just wish my knees would cooperate and not hurt so much.
Day 22-I taught multiplication and division today. Who knew I could accomplish that! I'm so thankful for my circumstances.
Day 23-I received cardio through kick ball today. Thank God for kids.
It's frustrating having Jacob hospitalized. I miss not having him at home, having to get a pass to see him and then drive to see him, not having easy access to hospital staff on what is going on with him...
In spite of it all, I try to keep focused on the goal-to get better coping skills and have a more successful 2013. Without hospitals!!
I'm still vigilant with my thankful journal although I don't think my mood stays as positive as I would like. It's hard to focus on good when you want to say- but I'm sick of being worried! I need to keep going forward and not step back.
Phone calls can be hard. He's so frustrated being there. About 1 of every 3 phone calls is really good. The rest tend to go south. He doesn't see where we are coming from but the family counceling is working on that.
Thankful Journal Page 4
Day 20-It's a beautiful Monday. Nice weather-75 in January. A beautiful work day at St. Thomas Episcopal. I appreciate going there and teaching.
Day 21-A calm morning with Chelsea. We sat and talked about job opportunities. She worked on her Algebra. I gave moral support.
Day 22-I taught multiplication and division today. Who knew I could accomplish that! I'm so thankful for my circumstances.
Day 23-I received cardio through kick ball today. Thank God for kids.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
The simple things
When you go through trials it can be hard to focus on anything but getting through the trial. I believe, through my thankful journal, I am better able to focus on the little things that make life happier. It is okay to be happy even when sadness surrounds you. I think I've given myself permission to smile even though my son is hurting. I don't know if he can gain strength through my positive attitude, but I do know that when I get upset, he's the first one to become sad because I am sad.
Getting through the days can be hard. You want to solve the problems, and get on with life. It's not always that simple. The burden is heavy.
I remember my favorite moments-the simple little things: a cup of coffee in the morning, sitting on the front porch, conversations with loved ones, cooking with my children, relaxing in the hot tub, having a clean house, reading a book, hearing the ocean, making someone smile, a hug, a back rub, and so much more. I am blessed.
Be joyful always (I Thess. 5: 16)...finding joy in the simple little things.
Monday, January 21, 2013
Hope
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full... Be grateful you have a glass and there's something in it.
It's been a trying few days. Jacob ran from the hospital and now is on restriction so I didn't get to see him today. I dropped off an MP 3 player for him and wasn't even able to give him a hug and tell him that I love him. The time he had when he ran from the hospital he loved. It is a frustrating situation to have a loved one sad about where they are and there is nothing you can do about it. He's gotten into the habit of running when he gets anxious. I pointed that out to him and he acknowledged that it was true. Maybe that can spur a change. We had 2 emotional phone calls Sunday night. Today on the phone he sounded better-more hopeful. I think they can help if Jacob will stick it out. Only time will tell.
Thankful Journal Page 3
Day 11-I'm thankful sitting at a trail head quietly watching deer, squirrels and butterflies.
I'm thankful for time with my mom.
Day 12-I'm thankful for church-the people that show their care and concern in words and actions.
I'm thankful for the nap I had today.
Day 13-I'm thankful for the ride to San Marcos with Chelsea. She kept my mind occupied and not over focused on things I cannot control.
Day 14-I'm thankful to meet Viviana's dad.
Day 15-I'm thankful I was able to calm Mick down from a tantrum.
Day 16-I'm thankful for text messaging because sometimes I just don't want to talk.
Day 17-I'm thankful for the rain.
Day 18-I'm thankful for visiting new great neice, Brooklynn.
Day 19-I'm thankful for a wonderful, uneventful, calm visit with Jacob.
It's been a trying few days. Jacob ran from the hospital and now is on restriction so I didn't get to see him today. I dropped off an MP 3 player for him and wasn't even able to give him a hug and tell him that I love him. The time he had when he ran from the hospital he loved. It is a frustrating situation to have a loved one sad about where they are and there is nothing you can do about it. He's gotten into the habit of running when he gets anxious. I pointed that out to him and he acknowledged that it was true. Maybe that can spur a change. We had 2 emotional phone calls Sunday night. Today on the phone he sounded better-more hopeful. I think they can help if Jacob will stick it out. Only time will tell.
Thankful Journal Page 3
Day 11-I'm thankful sitting at a trail head quietly watching deer, squirrels and butterflies.
I'm thankful for time with my mom.
Day 12-I'm thankful for church-the people that show their care and concern in words and actions.
I'm thankful for the nap I had today.
Day 13-I'm thankful for the ride to San Marcos with Chelsea. She kept my mind occupied and not over focused on things I cannot control.
Day 14-I'm thankful to meet Viviana's dad.
Day 15-I'm thankful I was able to calm Mick down from a tantrum.
Day 16-I'm thankful for text messaging because sometimes I just don't want to talk.
Day 17-I'm thankful for the rain.
Day 18-I'm thankful for visiting new great neice, Brooklynn.
Day 19-I'm thankful for a wonderful, uneventful, calm visit with Jacob.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Thankful Journal page 2
It's easy to end the day thinking of the hills you need to climb. I've found it helpful when I focus through-out the day on the little things that make life worth it all.
Thankful Journal
Day 6-I'm thankful for my brother calling to check on me.
Day 7-Even though it was just a few hours with Justin today, I'm very thankful for the time.
I LOVED sharing homemade slime with Aymee and Viviana.
Day 8-Sitting quietly with Chelsea is a pleasure I appreciate daily.
Day 9-I'm thankful for a husband who gets me coffee every morning.
Day 10-I'm thankful to visit with Jacob.
I'm thankful the vet took $100 off the bill!! Two surgeries for $310 is much better than the original bill!
Thankful Journal
Day 6-I'm thankful for my brother calling to check on me.
Day 7-Even though it was just a few hours with Justin today, I'm very thankful for the time.
I LOVED sharing homemade slime with Aymee and Viviana.
Day 9-I'm thankful for a husband who gets me coffee every morning.
Day 10-I'm thankful to visit with Jacob.
I'm thankful the vet took $100 off the bill!! Two surgeries for $310 is much better than the original bill!
Thursday, January 10, 2013
More challenges
The schizoaffective disorder, mood disorder, chemical dependency, or whatever we are dealing with, is posing questions about what to do next. We have had monthly episodes to deal with and no recognition (no reality setting in) of just how disturbing this is to the calm, happy family life we have when he's not in a manic episode.
He's in the hospital now and we are looking for the next step. He resist medicine but he needs something. We need a mood stabilizer that will calm the outbursts, agression, and difficulties he poses.
Paranoia is a part. He has paranoia about flouride in his toothpaste, products tested on animals, expressions someone might make... It makes for a difficult challenge because the break from reality makes it impossible to rationalize with him.
The worst was getting kicked off of Carnival cruise line. I understand, they didn't know whether he would throw himself overboard. Paul is angry and felt you shouldn't send someone with a mental disorder off into Mexico-setting him up for more problems. He got home safely. Life is calm with him in the hospital.
We are praying diligently that this is not a lifelong experience. I don't know how I could ever deal with this lasting forever. Forever is a long time.
I ask about his future-driver's license, high school diploma or GED, could he ever work?
Psalm 94:18-When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
II Tim. 2:1-Be strong in the grace that is Christ Jesus.
Psalm 51:10-Renew a steadfast spirit within me.
He's in the hospital now and we are looking for the next step. He resist medicine but he needs something. We need a mood stabilizer that will calm the outbursts, agression, and difficulties he poses.
Paranoia is a part. He has paranoia about flouride in his toothpaste, products tested on animals, expressions someone might make... It makes for a difficult challenge because the break from reality makes it impossible to rationalize with him.
The worst was getting kicked off of Carnival cruise line. I understand, they didn't know whether he would throw himself overboard. Paul is angry and felt you shouldn't send someone with a mental disorder off into Mexico-setting him up for more problems. He got home safely. Life is calm with him in the hospital.
We are praying diligently that this is not a lifelong experience. I don't know how I could ever deal with this lasting forever. Forever is a long time.
I ask about his future-driver's license, high school diploma or GED, could he ever work?
Psalm 94:18-When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
II Tim. 2:1-Be strong in the grace that is Christ Jesus.
Psalm 51:10-Renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Collier Bliss
It seems a typical busy day even though I am technically on summer break. I don't know now if I will have a job in the fall. We haven't received contracts. This causes stress, but also opportunity to think of the skills I have and how they can be transferred to a new equally rewarding occupation.
This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.
Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:
I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.
Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.
My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.
Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.
This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.
Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:
I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.
Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.
My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.
Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
When values go amuck!
As a young child he was quiet, not easily provoked, never took up for himself and very deep in his thought process. At 3 he could add a list of numbers in his head. By 2 nd grade he was writing books, complete with titles to chapters and illustrations. By 6th grade these stories had turned into comic books that clearly illustrated his view of the world.
When he was in 4th grade he stated that he didn't think that an animal God created should be eaten when we have other food to eat. No one had seen a child make such an ethical choice at such a young age, and stick with it as long as has he has (6 years now).
The boy now is struggling with teenage problems. He has experienced marijuana, pills, and sneaking out in the night. The boy has high ethics, respect and integrity so we ask, "What happened?" The bible says in Proverbs 22:6 that children will return to the way they were raised.
As our children get older and life moves faster, activities take over, and less time is spent in the amount of time we spend talking. This boy with both strong ethics and bad choices can be brought back to making good choices. There are many ways to teach values to teens:
-Make a list of family values.
-Write a contract of expectations.
-Require time that the family eats together.
-Have one-on-one time just to talk.
-Take an interest in your child's friends.
-Spend time together doing fun, family activities.
-Volunteer together.
We are checking in daily and praying....
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