I've had many episodes of major depressive disorder over the years. Most are kicked off by an event, my husband going to war, my son being diagnosed with schizophrenia..., but this last episode started when I had a medication change. I have not been able to find a substitute medication in the last year and a half. My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness in February, and passed away June 10 so I am struggling. I thought it might help to relay how my depression is presenting.
I am going through my days in a fog. Every step seems to be a push to get it accomplished. I wake up 45 minutes before I need to get on the computer to start work. This is just enough time to get coffee and comb my hair. Thinking is a difficult task so I leave myself many sticky notes to avoid as much "brain" work as I can.
I smile. I talk to people. I encourage. I cry easily. I over-think. Every relationship is now being scrutinized. I feel so over-whelmed. When mom first died, many people sent cards and I couldn't read them. I didn't want to see that she was gone. Now I read them. I thank people for sending them. I feel the pain. I live in the moment.
Most days I get little accomplished. I may go to the grocery store. I may cook dinner, write some thank you cards, go to the gym. I'm thankful my family is taking up the slack. I sit in my recliner and pull the blanket up around my neck. The blanket (no matter hot I am) keeps me safe. My anxiety is high.
This is my day. I am in a fog. I live in the moment. I get little accomplished. I am making it though. I am moving forward. I am setting goals for the future and what I want to accomplish. Check back with me.
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Monday, October 23, 2017
Guardianship
Four years ago we decided to get guardianship on my son's 18th birthday. We wanted to make sure that we would be able to access his medical records when he becomes psychotic. We've used it a few times in the last 4 years. I think it is beneficial. What I don't know is if my son will continue to get better and not need us to have guardianship.
Since March he has not been psychotic. We have not seen him hearing voices or seeing hallucinations. I love seeing him get better. Just the last few weeks he has started smiling and laughing. I am seeing him return to us after many years of troubling behavior.
The fact is he is still schizoaffective and may need us to have the guardianship. We went to court Friday to file the annual report and keep the guardianship.
Since March he has not been psychotic. We have not seen him hearing voices or seeing hallucinations. I love seeing him get better. Just the last few weeks he has started smiling and laughing. I am seeing him return to us after many years of troubling behavior.
The fact is he is still schizoaffective and may need us to have the guardianship. We went to court Friday to file the annual report and keep the guardianship.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Hallucinations
My son talked to me about past hallucinations. He remembers that he could have a good day without voices and then things would happen at night. He recalls a 6 ft. elf that wanted to teach him to dance. He remembers getting on the stage but now believes it was all a hallucination. He also hears spirits knock on his door.
I remember him falling to his knees in front of the sun shining through the window. He said he saw a cross and believed God was speaking to him.
He's had many spiritual hallucinations with spirits, demons and fairies. We were on vacation once and he believed the fairies had stolen his socks. The fairies also steal cell phones. So he put a dime in the corner of his room to keep fairies away.
Another time the penguins were stopping him from opening the refrigerator. One time when he was in the hospital, he kept seeing wolves run by. He had a hallucination or delusion that he was married and had eight children and that he lived on another planet. These hallucinations can be comical and we can laugh about them.
He went on a walk one time when he was psychotic and got lost. He thought he saw police cars surrounding him but couldn't figure out why the police wouldn't help him get home. He called me to pick him up but kept talking about all the policeman.
The demons are the worst. The demons are mean and say evil things to him. He cries. NO! And he can get angry enough from the demons that he hits holes in walls, pours coffee out on the floor or breaks dishes.
Our hope is that we can keep the hallucinations away with medication.
I remember him falling to his knees in front of the sun shining through the window. He said he saw a cross and believed God was speaking to him.
He's had many spiritual hallucinations with spirits, demons and fairies. We were on vacation once and he believed the fairies had stolen his socks. The fairies also steal cell phones. So he put a dime in the corner of his room to keep fairies away.
Another time the penguins were stopping him from opening the refrigerator. One time when he was in the hospital, he kept seeing wolves run by. He had a hallucination or delusion that he was married and had eight children and that he lived on another planet. These hallucinations can be comical and we can laugh about them.
He went on a walk one time when he was psychotic and got lost. He thought he saw police cars surrounding him but couldn't figure out why the police wouldn't help him get home. He called me to pick him up but kept talking about all the policeman.
The demons are the worst. The demons are mean and say evil things to him. He cries. NO! And he can get angry enough from the demons that he hits holes in walls, pours coffee out on the floor or breaks dishes.
Our hope is that we can keep the hallucinations away with medication.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Greener Pastures
In February, after 3 hospitalizations in just a few months, we got the right combination of medications. We have had no suicidal attempts, no voices, no hallucinations and no anger outbursts. It has been good! It can be done. I wondered whether he would ever be without voices.
6 months ago we were desperate for some time away and went overnight. We worried the whole time but all was well. so.....pushing it a bit we went 3 days away. Still everything was fine. We truly have reason to rejoice.
In August we went on a family trip to California. And our son with schizoaffective disorder did well. He got up, walked the beach, went with us to Universal Studios, on a boat tour, to Santa Barbara Pier and had late nights. There was no complaining. All was good. We begged him for smiles and saw some on the boat tour. He loved taking pictures of the wildlife.
Now we are planning a cruise to Cozumel. Just the 3 of us. My husband, myself, and my son. I think the medication will continue to keep the voices at bay and all will be fine. Several years ago we went on a cruise and he had voices and delusions and was talking about throwing himself overboard. We had to leave the ship and fly home. It is my hope that none of these bad memories will creep into the new adventure.
I do have a tendency to have flashbacks. They don't last long and I can distract myself. I think I have some lingering depression from all the crisis we have been through.
All that said, we are at greener pastures now.
6 months ago we were desperate for some time away and went overnight. We worried the whole time but all was well. so.....pushing it a bit we went 3 days away. Still everything was fine. We truly have reason to rejoice.
In August we went on a family trip to California. And our son with schizoaffective disorder did well. He got up, walked the beach, went with us to Universal Studios, on a boat tour, to Santa Barbara Pier and had late nights. There was no complaining. All was good. We begged him for smiles and saw some on the boat tour. He loved taking pictures of the wildlife.
Now we are planning a cruise to Cozumel. Just the 3 of us. My husband, myself, and my son. I think the medication will continue to keep the voices at bay and all will be fine. Several years ago we went on a cruise and he had voices and delusions and was talking about throwing himself overboard. We had to leave the ship and fly home. It is my hope that none of these bad memories will creep into the new adventure.
I do have a tendency to have flashbacks. They don't last long and I can distract myself. I think I have some lingering depression from all the crisis we have been through.
All that said, we are at greener pastures now.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Violence and Schizophrenia
In October 2015 we had a horrible incident where my son was hearing voices and attacked my husband. My daughter had several friends over, I went to bed and about 2 a.m. I heard screaming. I pulled my son off my husband and my husband went to the ER. He had several bruises but was otherwise okay. I went to church the next morning because you just power through. I don't know where the extra strength comes from when you are in trials like this.
This weekend, almost a year after this incident, my oldest son had friends over. I went to bed and started having flashback of the previous incident. I kept worrying that my younger son was going to go psychotic. Nothing happened. My youngest son is doing well right now. I eventually went to sleep. No one has ever diagnosed me with PTSD but I think I have some symptoms of it.
2016 has been relatively calm. My younger son has had a few incidents of voices but no screaming, or violence. We live in fear from what we've gone through. We don't know when it will return.
This weekend, almost a year after this incident, my oldest son had friends over. I went to bed and started having flashback of the previous incident. I kept worrying that my younger son was going to go psychotic. Nothing happened. My youngest son is doing well right now. I eventually went to sleep. No one has ever diagnosed me with PTSD but I think I have some symptoms of it.
2016 has been relatively calm. My younger son has had a few incidents of voices but no screaming, or violence. We live in fear from what we've gone through. We don't know when it will return.
Friday, September 2, 2016
Riding the wave of joy and anxiety
I found my joy again! I don't know how or why but I am happy all the time. I'm not saying I don't get anxious but life is happy. My son hasn't cut in months and seems stable. We recently went on vacation to the river and had a great time.
We walked trails, went swimming and cooked on the grill. My son smiled and laughed the whole vacation. It was so refreshing. We had one episode of him dropping a glass pipe and breaking it and he cried. They was the only "abnormal" thing that happened on the trip. We ate out at Applebees which is hard for his vegetarian diet. We went to Wal-Mart and he played the arcade games. Just happy times.
I hope this normalcy can last. We'd like to go on cruise next year. Schizophrenia is so unfriendly. You never know when the voices and demons will return. I don't know when he will become hostile or angry.
Life is precarious.
We walked trails, went swimming and cooked on the grill. My son smiled and laughed the whole vacation. It was so refreshing. We had one episode of him dropping a glass pipe and breaking it and he cried. They was the only "abnormal" thing that happened on the trip. We ate out at Applebees which is hard for his vegetarian diet. We went to Wal-Mart and he played the arcade games. Just happy times.
I hope this normalcy can last. We'd like to go on cruise next year. Schizophrenia is so unfriendly. You never know when the voices and demons will return. I don't know when he will become hostile or angry.
Life is precarious.
Monday, January 25, 2016
The bumpy road we've been down
I was thinking back to when the mental health problems began. My son was only 8. He began talking about hearing voices and seeing things that were not there. It was always negative voices. The voices would tell him he was stupid or bad. He saw teenage boys that would say bad things to him. These were just delusions of boys. Sometimes he would shake his fist at them or call them stupid back. Sometimes he would yell, and bang the walls. The delusions were very upsetting to him. This lasted a year and then the medication seemed to even things out enough that we could have normal days.
When he was in 7th grade he wanted to get something for depression. The doctor put him on Zoloft and he became delusional again. It was scary and my husband called the police. When we took him to the psychiatrist, we were told it was the Zoloft and we took him off immediately. He went through 7th grade pretty well. He had some anti social behavior and started smoking cigarettes and using drugs. By his sophomore year in high school he was having all the symptoms of schizophrenia. He was paranoid, delusional thinking, confused speech, and voices.
His sophomore year was tough. He missed so much school because of the illness that he didn't pass his sophomore year. He started having trouble with anger which we hadn't seen in years. I remember driving down the road and he put his feet on the windshield and cracked the windshield. Another time he got in an argument with a teacher because he wanted to go home. Most of the time, it was unusual behavior that had us concerned. One time he rocked back and forth in the fetal position crying because he thought a friend had died. Once I was called to the school because he was talking to something that was not there. Another time he was riding the bus home from school and thought everyone on the bus was talking about him and he got off the bus and called me to pick him up. That was the last time he rode the bus. Once he was on the front porch and a neighbor was talking on their cell phone. He thought they were talking to him and yelled at them. They were so concerned about the confusion that they came and apologized to him.
The next school year was full of delinquency. He would skip classes to smoke marijuana. He would perform candle rituals with his friends. He had lots of ideas about the supernatural. One day I was coming home from ladies bible class and I saw him run across the road from the high school with the principal chasing him. He had left campus and when he was returning they wanted to talk to him and instead he ran. It wasn't much after that I decided that high school just wasn't going to work. He'd never get his credits with missing so much class time. I decided to home school him on the GED and he passed it his first time.
During this time he took drivers education. He passed the course but when he went to take the test at the DMV he failed it 4 times. He's 19 now and still doesn't have his license.
Over the next 2 years he was frequently psychotic. He would talk about wolves and things he would see that no one else saw. He could be very manic not sleeping well. He was not taking medication and would have really strange conversations that were very animated. I was afraid to leave him alone and was only working a few hours a week. One time we went to Walmart and he ran out. He called me that he left the store but couldn't tell me where he was. He said the voices told him to leave Walmart. I found him an hour later at the mall across the street in the fetal position.
We wanted to take a family vacation so we booked a cruise to Cozumel. On the drive down there he was talking non stop about flies buzzing around. It was not normal. We should have turned around. The first day of the vacation went well. He loved dancing to the music and eating at the buffet. We were going to Fine Dining the second night and got him into some nice pants then he disappeared. We decided to go on to Fine Dining without him. Later that night, around midnight, he returned to the cabin, yelling. He would go out one door and then back in the other door yelling the whole time. We were afraid he would throw himself over board when he tried to go on the balcony so Paul tackled him on the bed. They struggled and Paul was bit. We got security of the ship involved. They doctored Paul's arm. Our son was completely psychotic. He couldn't answer questions and talked non stop through out the night about strange things. They had us in a room with a guard by the door. We were told the next morning that our son would have to leave the ship. Paul took him on a flight back to San Antonio but he was not well. His speech was very confused. He spent a week at a mental hospital then was transferred to a longer care facility. He was still not taking medication. He returned to normalcy and was discharged but once out he was walking naked in the woods behind our house and the police were called. No charges were pressed but it was just another strange thing for the books.
We got him on latuda and things got better for a while. The Latuda seemed to make him angry and we had many anger outbursts. He broke dishes, hit holes in the walls and hit Paul several times. In 2015 he was hospitalized 3 times. He started cutting and cut too deep in June and had to be hospitalized. We added depokote for the anger issues. It seemed to help at first. We took him on vacation to the beach. He had disorganized speech and would cry uncontrollably, but we had some good times. The last night he disappeared and called the next morning to say he was at the police station. He said he was sleep walking. The police brought him back to us.
In September the cutting got worse and we put him in the mental hospital. They suggested the state hospital. That would have been a very good idea. I wish we would have pursued it because things got much worse. He pulled a knife on me while he was hearing voices. He was sent to jail. He is currently out of jail. We changed his medicine to Invega and it seems to be working well. We still have the court case ahead of us but he seems to be doing well on the new medicine. I don't know of any anger outbursts, delusions or voices in 7 weeks.
Someday I would like to be able to tell my story in such a way to help others. That is the only blessing I can see from all of this. He is a unique individual and I pray that one day he can use his gifts to be a contributing member of society.
When he was in 7th grade he wanted to get something for depression. The doctor put him on Zoloft and he became delusional again. It was scary and my husband called the police. When we took him to the psychiatrist, we were told it was the Zoloft and we took him off immediately. He went through 7th grade pretty well. He had some anti social behavior and started smoking cigarettes and using drugs. By his sophomore year in high school he was having all the symptoms of schizophrenia. He was paranoid, delusional thinking, confused speech, and voices.
His sophomore year was tough. He missed so much school because of the illness that he didn't pass his sophomore year. He started having trouble with anger which we hadn't seen in years. I remember driving down the road and he put his feet on the windshield and cracked the windshield. Another time he got in an argument with a teacher because he wanted to go home. Most of the time, it was unusual behavior that had us concerned. One time he rocked back and forth in the fetal position crying because he thought a friend had died. Once I was called to the school because he was talking to something that was not there. Another time he was riding the bus home from school and thought everyone on the bus was talking about him and he got off the bus and called me to pick him up. That was the last time he rode the bus. Once he was on the front porch and a neighbor was talking on their cell phone. He thought they were talking to him and yelled at them. They were so concerned about the confusion that they came and apologized to him.
The next school year was full of delinquency. He would skip classes to smoke marijuana. He would perform candle rituals with his friends. He had lots of ideas about the supernatural. One day I was coming home from ladies bible class and I saw him run across the road from the high school with the principal chasing him. He had left campus and when he was returning they wanted to talk to him and instead he ran. It wasn't much after that I decided that high school just wasn't going to work. He'd never get his credits with missing so much class time. I decided to home school him on the GED and he passed it his first time.
During this time he took drivers education. He passed the course but when he went to take the test at the DMV he failed it 4 times. He's 19 now and still doesn't have his license.
Over the next 2 years he was frequently psychotic. He would talk about wolves and things he would see that no one else saw. He could be very manic not sleeping well. He was not taking medication and would have really strange conversations that were very animated. I was afraid to leave him alone and was only working a few hours a week. One time we went to Walmart and he ran out. He called me that he left the store but couldn't tell me where he was. He said the voices told him to leave Walmart. I found him an hour later at the mall across the street in the fetal position.
We wanted to take a family vacation so we booked a cruise to Cozumel. On the drive down there he was talking non stop about flies buzzing around. It was not normal. We should have turned around. The first day of the vacation went well. He loved dancing to the music and eating at the buffet. We were going to Fine Dining the second night and got him into some nice pants then he disappeared. We decided to go on to Fine Dining without him. Later that night, around midnight, he returned to the cabin, yelling. He would go out one door and then back in the other door yelling the whole time. We were afraid he would throw himself over board when he tried to go on the balcony so Paul tackled him on the bed. They struggled and Paul was bit. We got security of the ship involved. They doctored Paul's arm. Our son was completely psychotic. He couldn't answer questions and talked non stop through out the night about strange things. They had us in a room with a guard by the door. We were told the next morning that our son would have to leave the ship. Paul took him on a flight back to San Antonio but he was not well. His speech was very confused. He spent a week at a mental hospital then was transferred to a longer care facility. He was still not taking medication. He returned to normalcy and was discharged but once out he was walking naked in the woods behind our house and the police were called. No charges were pressed but it was just another strange thing for the books.
We got him on latuda and things got better for a while. The Latuda seemed to make him angry and we had many anger outbursts. He broke dishes, hit holes in the walls and hit Paul several times. In 2015 he was hospitalized 3 times. He started cutting and cut too deep in June and had to be hospitalized. We added depokote for the anger issues. It seemed to help at first. We took him on vacation to the beach. He had disorganized speech and would cry uncontrollably, but we had some good times. The last night he disappeared and called the next morning to say he was at the police station. He said he was sleep walking. The police brought him back to us.
In September the cutting got worse and we put him in the mental hospital. They suggested the state hospital. That would have been a very good idea. I wish we would have pursued it because things got much worse. He pulled a knife on me while he was hearing voices. He was sent to jail. He is currently out of jail. We changed his medicine to Invega and it seems to be working well. We still have the court case ahead of us but he seems to be doing well on the new medicine. I don't know of any anger outbursts, delusions or voices in 7 weeks.
Someday I would like to be able to tell my story in such a way to help others. That is the only blessing I can see from all of this. He is a unique individual and I pray that one day he can use his gifts to be a contributing member of society.
Friday, August 14, 2015
Anxiety
I keep counting my blessings to somehow get me in a good mood. It's not that I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel joy anymore. I go out to eat with friends, hug Paul, make my family dinner, go to church, go shopping, read books, scrapbook,and I will start work soon. I wish I had the feelings...happy feelings that should go along with these things.
I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.
The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.
I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.
I don't know how to pull myself from this depression. There's a lot of anxiety involved. There's such uncertainty about my son. He's having a horrible time with voices and delusions. The fairies and spirits talk to him. He laughs a lot. The voices talk to him and he responds by laughing. A lot of times he talks to the voices or delusions. It's very hard to watch. The conversations with him are out of this realm. I keep trying to focus on the fact that he's happy. He was having daily anger outbursts until we got him on 1000 mg of depakote. Now he is happy but does not seem sane.
The counselors and psychiatrists aren't helping. It seems we've been to appointments regularly all summer long and no one helps him. I have my own counselor who listens but doesn't seem to give me anything to do to bring me out of the depression. She says to keep doing things and the feelings will come back. So far they haven't.
I would like to enjoy my family instead of just go through the motions. I can't seem to sit still. The family likes to sit out in the backyard and grill. I can't sit there without having my laptop, phone or something to distract me all the time. I wish I could just sit and talk to people but I get anxious.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Living in the present
Several years ago, before we had the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I wrote that I wished I could fast forward 10 years. I thought that by then my work situation would be better, my son would be better, my older two children would be out of the house and married. I thought I would be teaching, loving some grandchildren and all would be at peace. We are closer now to that 10 year point. My oldest is out of the house, enjoying his job, and dating someone. My daughter is working, going to college and thinking of marriage. My youngest is stable.
I no longer wish for the future to hurry up and get here. As it says in the bible, "Today has enough trouble of its own." I no longer wish for the future because I am content in today. I am very proud of all 3 kids and I have the best husband.
I live in the present and I'm thankful for my husband filling my tires up with air and putting gas in the car. I'm thankful for the conversation on the phone with my son and hearing how he loves the big city. I'm thankful for my daughter cooking dinner and I'm proud to have the time with my youngest getting groceries.
I no longer wish for the future (sometimes I fear the future). But mostly I want to live in today and recognize the blessings. I can see how God has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm happy where we are today. I cannot say I am happy that we went through the trials but I can say I'm glad we made it to the other side. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of memorizing scripture, and a lot of talk therapy to get us to the other side. I can say living in the present is far better than living in the past, and I don't want to yearn for the future; I want to accept the present.
I no longer wish for the future to hurry up and get here. As it says in the bible, "Today has enough trouble of its own." I no longer wish for the future because I am content in today. I am very proud of all 3 kids and I have the best husband.
I live in the present and I'm thankful for my husband filling my tires up with air and putting gas in the car. I'm thankful for the conversation on the phone with my son and hearing how he loves the big city. I'm thankful for my daughter cooking dinner and I'm proud to have the time with my youngest getting groceries.
I no longer wish for the future (sometimes I fear the future). But mostly I want to live in today and recognize the blessings. I can see how God has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm happy where we are today. I cannot say I am happy that we went through the trials but I can say I'm glad we made it to the other side. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of memorizing scripture, and a lot of talk therapy to get us to the other side. I can say living in the present is far better than living in the past, and I don't want to yearn for the future; I want to accept the present.
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Less anxious
I am happy to write this post. Most times I write because I am anxious, fearful, sometimes even scared about what's going on in the household. Today I am happy.
My son is back to his "old self" enough that he has done an amazing job helping with housework this week. He has emptied the dishwasher several times, vacuumed, emptied trash cans, and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm so happy that he's wanting to help. I haven't seen the involuntary movements which use to be a side effect. I'm hoping that is gone now. He almost looks normal. Sometimes I do feel he looks normal to the outside world.
I don't know why it's important to me that people look at him as a normal person in society, but it's very important to me. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He's harmless right now. Hopefully it will stay that way for a long time.
This has been a good week. Instead of him spending all his time in his bedroom, he's been more sociable.
My son is back to his "old self" enough that he has done an amazing job helping with housework this week. He has emptied the dishwasher several times, vacuumed, emptied trash cans, and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm so happy that he's wanting to help. I haven't seen the involuntary movements which use to be a side effect. I'm hoping that is gone now. He almost looks normal. Sometimes I do feel he looks normal to the outside world.
I don't know why it's important to me that people look at him as a normal person in society, but it's very important to me. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He's harmless right now. Hopefully it will stay that way for a long time.
This has been a good week. Instead of him spending all his time in his bedroom, he's been more sociable.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Hope for the future
It's been since April or May since the last schizophrenic episode. It's getting easier to not fear the worst when I have flash backs of past events. A distant cousin told me of her nephew that has schizophrenia. She said that he is married and occasionally has anger issues when he doesn't take his medicine. I pray that my son can lead a "normal" life with a wife and children. He has not been aggressive since he was regulated on 40 mg of Latuda. He's doing well on the medicine and for now he's taking it without complaint.
The last few weeks we've had several trials (which don't come close to the stress schizophrenia can cause). First Paul had a car accident that landed us in the emergency room with fear he had a concussion. Just a few days later he was riding his bike and flipped over the handle bars of the bike. He hurt his hand and wrist. Our daughter has been complaining for months about her bed so we bought her a new bed. In the meantime, the TV went out and we bought a new one which meant we also had to buy a TV stand. Jacob complained about a toothache and the dentist told us he had an infection and needed a root canal. He got the root canal and is taking antibiotics for the infection. It's been a week and he still complains of pain. Hopefully that will end soon. THEN I came home to melted ice around the refrigerator. A repairman charged us $78 to tell us the compressor was out and we needed a new refrigerator. Our bank account is dry!
Again, this doesn't compare with the stress of mental illness. On medicine we are not dealing with anger, delusions, confused speech, or voices. He does have depression which leaves him talking little, sleeping a lot and staying in his room. I am always elated when he smiles, laughs or helps around the house. It's amazing how your expectations can change. He use to do chores everyday now once a week if he empties the dishwasher I am happy.
We are at a better place and pray he continues with his medicine and that I can stop analyzing his mood all the time. I haven't cried in months which I take as a good sign. It means I have hope for the future.
The last few weeks we've had several trials (which don't come close to the stress schizophrenia can cause). First Paul had a car accident that landed us in the emergency room with fear he had a concussion. Just a few days later he was riding his bike and flipped over the handle bars of the bike. He hurt his hand and wrist. Our daughter has been complaining for months about her bed so we bought her a new bed. In the meantime, the TV went out and we bought a new one which meant we also had to buy a TV stand. Jacob complained about a toothache and the dentist told us he had an infection and needed a root canal. He got the root canal and is taking antibiotics for the infection. It's been a week and he still complains of pain. Hopefully that will end soon. THEN I came home to melted ice around the refrigerator. A repairman charged us $78 to tell us the compressor was out and we needed a new refrigerator. Our bank account is dry!
Again, this doesn't compare with the stress of mental illness. On medicine we are not dealing with anger, delusions, confused speech, or voices. He does have depression which leaves him talking little, sleeping a lot and staying in his room. I am always elated when he smiles, laughs or helps around the house. It's amazing how your expectations can change. He use to do chores everyday now once a week if he empties the dishwasher I am happy.
We are at a better place and pray he continues with his medicine and that I can stop analyzing his mood all the time. I haven't cried in months which I take as a good sign. It means I have hope for the future.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Frustrated
I am using this as an outlet for my frustration. My son, who has paranoid schizophrenia, has just called me a bitch for the 6th time this month. He uses it as a weapon. I told him he was acting like an idiot when he threw something at his dad last week and now he's angry that I called him a name.
Today when I got home from work, he came downstairs and I proceeded to tell him what I bought him at the grocery store. There was no response. I keep trying to teach him social graces so I said, "Did you hear me?" He said, "No" and I repeated it. He said, "I told myself I wouldn't eat pears." I said, "I didn't buy you pears." Which he responded that he hadn't heard anything after bagels. I repeated the list which sent him into a tirade because he has thoughts in his head and I keep talking. Well he continued to talk, I stopped. I would say after calling me names, and lots of yelling, he went to his room after what seemed like a long time but was probably 5 minutes.
I hate being yelled at. I hate being called names. All I can see is that I went and bought him food and I am treated like crap. His point of view is that he wanted a quiet environment and I talked to him. Sometimes he will say please don't talk to me-which I feel is rude-but is better than what I just went through.
Finding the balance between understanding that he has voices that makes it hard for him to concentrate and wanting him to respond when he is talked to, is hard. I want him to treat people with kindness and the kindness seems to be getting less frequent.
He reduced his anti-psychotic medication and it's just not controlling the symptoms like I would like. He also walked into traffic during a psychotic episode and broke his leg in several places. I'm sure the leg doesn't feel great and he's having trouble getting around. He gets tired quickly.
I'm ready for a period of calmness. We don't seem to get through more than a couple of days without having an angry episode.
Today when I got home from work, he came downstairs and I proceeded to tell him what I bought him at the grocery store. There was no response. I keep trying to teach him social graces so I said, "Did you hear me?" He said, "No" and I repeated it. He said, "I told myself I wouldn't eat pears." I said, "I didn't buy you pears." Which he responded that he hadn't heard anything after bagels. I repeated the list which sent him into a tirade because he has thoughts in his head and I keep talking. Well he continued to talk, I stopped. I would say after calling me names, and lots of yelling, he went to his room after what seemed like a long time but was probably 5 minutes.
I hate being yelled at. I hate being called names. All I can see is that I went and bought him food and I am treated like crap. His point of view is that he wanted a quiet environment and I talked to him. Sometimes he will say please don't talk to me-which I feel is rude-but is better than what I just went through.
Finding the balance between understanding that he has voices that makes it hard for him to concentrate and wanting him to respond when he is talked to, is hard. I want him to treat people with kindness and the kindness seems to be getting less frequent.
He reduced his anti-psychotic medication and it's just not controlling the symptoms like I would like. He also walked into traffic during a psychotic episode and broke his leg in several places. I'm sure the leg doesn't feel great and he's having trouble getting around. He gets tired quickly.
I'm ready for a period of calmness. We don't seem to get through more than a couple of days without having an angry episode.
Monday, March 17, 2014
At a better place
I've finally got some answers. The psychiatrist said that the anger is absolutely part of the mental illness. The person we see between episodes is the real him. This was good to hear because when you are in the middle of it trying to give consequences it doesn't work. Now we just ride it out and talk to him about it as the need arises.
We are back to normal now. No yelling, or talking to himself. We are able to have a conversation. All is well.
I think I am feeling better not only because he is well but because I got a job offer. I was able to quit what I was doing (that I was getting very frustrated with) and return to working at the school. Hopefully this will give me the outlet I so desperately need.
Yesterday was peaceful. A nice morning in church and then some light housework.
It's still hard to talk about mental illness and the toll it takes on the family. I can't imagine the load it puts on the person with the mental illness. It is easier to get through the episodes now. I keep my composure somewhat better. I try to keep smiling and realize he doesn't mean much of what he says.
Yes, life is good right now. My babies are all safe and happy. I appreciate my husband and all he does. I'm at a better place.
We are back to normal now. No yelling, or talking to himself. We are able to have a conversation. All is well.
I think I am feeling better not only because he is well but because I got a job offer. I was able to quit what I was doing (that I was getting very frustrated with) and return to working at the school. Hopefully this will give me the outlet I so desperately need.
Yesterday was peaceful. A nice morning in church and then some light housework.
It's still hard to talk about mental illness and the toll it takes on the family. I can't imagine the load it puts on the person with the mental illness. It is easier to get through the episodes now. I keep my composure somewhat better. I try to keep smiling and realize he doesn't mean much of what he says.
Yes, life is good right now. My babies are all safe and happy. I appreciate my husband and all he does. I'm at a better place.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The days ahead-transition and wildflowers
It is so pretty this time of year. We've had weather in the 70's and 80's in the last week and enough rain that the wildflowers are abundant. I haven't seen many indian paintbrushes but the variety of yellow, and purple flowers along with the bluebonnets are georgeous.We are in transition now and feel our feet are more on the ground than in past years. Jacob is in the hospital but should be discharged in the next couple of days. He will transition back to school, I will transition back to work and Paul will transition to a different work opportunity. It is transition time.
While this has me anxious, I now have a list of scriptures that have me grounded.
Psalm 139:13-18: You took care of me.
II Chronicles 16:9: For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.
Psalm 32:5: You forgave the guilt.
Psalm 20: May the Lord answer you when you are in distress.
Psalm 34:4: I sought the Lord and He answered me.
I Corinthians 8:6: One God through whom all things come.
Phil. 4:7: The peace of God will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Lessons my daughter taught me
I grew up in the era of "There is no free lunch." I've actually found myself many times over the years when the discussion is started on whether to give to the homeless. The concensus has been "No." The story has been that if you hand them a hamburger they will throw it away because they want money for drugs. Others have said that they've given people (asking for money) their business card, and noone called to get employment. Occassionally over the years I have given money to people. I think it was because my children were watching, and I wanted them to help people in need.
A few years ago my daughter and I were shopping and she suggested that we buy an apple for the lady laying on the bench in front of the store. She said the lady was there most of the time and that she didn't think the lady had a home. I told her that I didn't think the apple would get the lady out of her situation. Someone overheard the conversation and said, "Young people just don't get it, do they?"
We didn't give the lady the apple, and today driving past the same grocery store it hit me hard. I'm unemployed. It is hard to find a job. So many homeless have not chosen to be homeless. There are homeless that are educated, hard workers, veterans... I know now that helping is the right thing to do. Chelsea knew it was the right thing to do. I want to go get Chelsea and a bag of apples and feed some people.
Every city needs people to go to the homeless-give them food. Give them hope.
A few years ago my daughter and I were shopping and she suggested that we buy an apple for the lady laying on the bench in front of the store. She said the lady was there most of the time and that she didn't think the lady had a home. I told her that I didn't think the apple would get the lady out of her situation. Someone overheard the conversation and said, "Young people just don't get it, do they?"
We didn't give the lady the apple, and today driving past the same grocery store it hit me hard. I'm unemployed. It is hard to find a job. So many homeless have not chosen to be homeless. There are homeless that are educated, hard workers, veterans... I know now that helping is the right thing to do. Chelsea knew it was the right thing to do. I want to go get Chelsea and a bag of apples and feed some people.
Every city needs people to go to the homeless-give them food. Give them hope.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Collier Bliss
It seems a typical busy day even though I am technically on summer break. I don't know now if I will have a job in the fall. We haven't received contracts. This causes stress, but also opportunity to think of the skills I have and how they can be transferred to a new equally rewarding occupation.
This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.
Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:
I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.
Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.
My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.
Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.
This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.
Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:
I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.
Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.
My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.
Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Examples of Godliness
There are people in your life that you can depend on. I think God specifically places these people like angels serving as instruments of His purpose. My first memory is Nettie Green bringing our family cinnamon bread. The next is living in North Dakota and Grace Hendrickson coming over to help me through the concussion I sustained, and get me back to church. There are many Godly people who have shown Christ through their actions.
I feel I have come full circle as I see my family as those bringing Godliness to others. I am proud to see Chelsea and her love for others as she gives the "extra cookie" to those coming through the drive thru at Schlotzsky's, and Justin as he works for Habitat for Humanity. I've seen Jacob from a very small child stand up for what he believes in and work hard to show others God's way. Now as he turns into a teenager, he's coming into his own and making mature decisions.
I feel I have come full circle as I see my family as those bringing Godliness to others. I am proud to see Chelsea and her love for others as she gives the "extra cookie" to those coming through the drive thru at Schlotzsky's, and Justin as he works for Habitat for Humanity. I've seen Jacob from a very small child stand up for what he believes in and work hard to show others God's way. Now as he turns into a teenager, he's coming into his own and making mature decisions.
The men in my life that I am so proud of.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
My Three Grandmothers
Pictured first is Mary Daniel with my grandfather Charlie Daniel and 3 of their sons. Mary is the only grandmother I met in person. Since she lived in Georgia and we lived in Texas the visits were rare. Mary Graf, shown above holding my sister, died before I was born and Mattie Daniel shown with her husband Charlie died when I was 11. The three women have stayed alive in my memory by pictures, stories from those who knew them and letters they have written. I have felt most close to my Grandmother Graf. I always felt her presence at my grandfather's house where we went atleast once a month growing up.
Mary Graf was a first born child. She was a leader, active in her church, taught her children scripture and always looked out for others. I have felt her presence my entire life by reading stories written by her sisters and brothers, and from stories my mother would tell. I remember getting together with my Uncle Charles before my grandfather's funeral and all the stories that were told of both my grandmother and grandfather. There was a lot of love and I feel that still today.
Mattie Daniel was a little more of a mystery. My Uncle Gary tells me he knew her as a wonderful woman. I have talked through email with several of her cousins, aunts, and uncles. Just like my Grandmother Graf, my grandmother Daniel is alive to me through the pictures I have seen of her.
I knew my grandfather's second wife better, Mary Daniel. I corresponded with Mary Daniel through letter writing from elementary school until her death in 1998 and met her several times. Mary Daniel was a sweet, happy person that I enjoyed being around.
All of these ladies have influenced my life even though they were never able to attend a single function of my childhood. I've always felt part of something bigger. In Max Lucado's book Outlive your Life, he begins with a fable. The moral of the fable is to live your life so that you make a mark that does not end when you die. The three grandmothers I have did just that. They outlived their lives.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Precious Gifts from our children
What parent doesn't like to see their children get along? When a second child is born, you want to see the older children enjoy or atleast tolerate the new child entering their life. As time progresses and you see them bond it is even more rewarding.
I can remember Justin and Chelsea behind the couch putting on a puppet show by lifting the puppet above the couch. Justin and Chelsea had many games they enjoyed together. They each had separate interest but they could and would often play together. Then Jacob was born. He was king. Chelsea thought he was the best gift God could have given her. Jacob lovingly called her Gecky. Justin also loved it when Jacob was born. He carried him everywhere, swung him on the swing and put things inside his shirt that Jacob would instantly fish out.
The past few weeks Paul and I have both watched Justin and Chelsea in conversation. We can see the love between them and it feels so good. You want them to get along as children but when they get along as adults, you have received a precious gift.
Angie Collier has been blogging about eating vegan, raising teenagers, memories of childhood, family medical problems (hospice care, cancer, knee replacement surgery) and my children's childhood since 2009.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Christmas 2010
In my little corner of the world it is as if we had the blessed miracle with all the wonder and happiness of the savior being born. I am exaggerating, of course, but did have a very good Christmas.
I've been impressed before that my children can show a maturity that gives me reason to admire their thoughts and ideas, but this day they didn't put themselves first but instead looked to the needs of others.
Justin, Jacob and Chelsea helped cook Christmas dinner. They didn't get distracted by movies or anything else going on, but purely helped. Jacob iced some cookies, Chelsea cooked the mashed potatoes, and asparagus, Justin put things in the oven, got them out and was there for everything I needed.
I love my children through good and bad. I like it when it's good.
I've been impressed before that my children can show a maturity that gives me reason to admire their thoughts and ideas, but this day they didn't put themselves first but instead looked to the needs of others.
Justin, Jacob and Chelsea helped cook Christmas dinner. They didn't get distracted by movies or anything else going on, but purely helped. Jacob iced some cookies, Chelsea cooked the mashed potatoes, and asparagus, Justin put things in the oven, got them out and was there for everything I needed.
I love my children through good and bad. I like it when it's good.
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