Soooo frustrated

I am trying to find someone that is a parent of a child with a mental illness that includes anger, psychosis, delusions, rambling speech....

I have exhausted mental health professionals to no end.  We're at a place to just keep him safe and we don't know the next step.

My frustration is at its peak today.  He doesn't see the erratic behavior he demonstrates.  Talking him in to going to yet another psychiatrist is probably not an option.

Anybody out there who's been there??

Peace in chaos

I've been praying for peace for a long time.  This week was complete with broken rules, trouble with the law, unusual behavior, raised voices, eccentric behavior, no sleeping, little eating, walking out of the house, confusion.  With all that said, for the first time in 6 years, I have found peace between chaotic episodes.  I may not have days or weeks of peace like I want, but I have minutes even hours where I truly enjoy life and appreciate what I have.

Finding peace in the moment has been so rewarding.  I appreciate silence.  Instead of thinking-what should I do!!!  I think I will sit in quietness and appreciate this peace.  The peace has been such an unexpected pleasure.  I find myself loving every minute of "free time."

I still keep busy with the house, teaching, going to Ladies Bible Class, and Prayer Group.  These have become bricks on which I can build my stability.  I still want a non-chaotic life for my child but I accept what I have in the moment.  I will take each day as it comes.  Speak softly.  Not try to persuade to my point of view, but accept that he has a different reality.

I pray that I will learn the next steps for my son.  Right now I am exceedingly happy with the peace I have found for myself.

Thankful Journal Page 5

-Thursday was relaxing.  I appreciate taking a nap.  I appreciate the fun things we do as I tutor Viviana.  She made a heart out of slime today-not math going on-but a great moment.

-I'm thankful for a safe environment to face trials we are going through with a councelor.

-I'm thankful that I have time with Jacob.  Those precious, pure moments that can never be replaced.

-I'm thankful for a phone call from Justin.

-I'm thankful for getting clutter cleaned up in the house.

-I'm thankful for bathing the ferret with Jacob.

-I'm thankful for getting the car washed.

-I'm thankful for a walk around the block with Chelsea.

-I'm thankful for a cup of hot tea from Paul.

2nd week at San Marcos Treatment Center

We are in our second week at San Marcos Treatment Center.  From what I've heard the psychiatrist is looking more at depression and not the scary diagnosis we've heard in the past.  The councelor is working well with us and seems to be giving Jacob practical advice on how to get along with his family.

It's frustrating having Jacob hospitalized.  I miss not having him at home, having to get a pass to see him and then drive to see him, not having easy access to hospital staff on what is going on with him...

In spite of it all, I try to keep focused on the goal-to get better coping skills and have a more successful 2013.  Without hospitals!!

I'm still vigilant with my thankful journal although I don't think my mood stays as positive as I would like.  It's hard to focus on good when you want to say- but I'm sick of being worried!  I need to keep going forward and not step back.

Phone calls can be hard.  He's so frustrated being there.  About 1 of every 3 phone calls is really good.  The rest tend to go south.  He doesn't see where we are coming from but the family counceling is working on that.

Thankful Journal Page 4

Day 20-It's a beautiful Monday.  Nice weather-75 in January.  A beautiful work day at St. Thomas Episcopal.  I appreciate going there and teaching.

Day 21-A calm morning with Chelsea.  We sat and talked about job opportunities.  She worked on her Algebra.  I gave moral support.

This is a picture from Ponderosa, New Mexico.  It reminds me of the calm I have sitting under the trees at San Marcos.  In San Marcos I see deer, birds, squirrels,...  Jacob loves any trails we can find.  I just wish my knees would cooperate and not hurt so much.

Day 22-I taught multiplication and division today.  Who knew I could accomplish that!  I'm so thankful for my circumstances.

Day 23-I received cardio through kick ball today.  Thank God for kids.

In Christ I stand

Here in the love of Christ, I stand
Here in the death of Christ, I live

For I am His, and He is mine

bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

this is the power of Christ, in me

From life's first cry, to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

could ever pluck me from His hand

til He returns or calls me home

HERE IN THE POWER OF CHRIST I STAND  

The Collier household is excited with Christmas.  The house is decorated, presents bought and Christmas parties begin soon.  There have been many changes.  Jacob is stable.  I took him out of school to home school him.  This took the added stress away of him being truant over and over again.   Next week I begin homeschooling a 5th grader at my house during the day.  I still have the after school tutoring job with another 5th grader.   Life is good.  I have a powerful support system and I'm thankful everyday for what God has given me.

Veganism

Just like anything, veganism can go too far. I have been very hesitant to say this, because it is my son's passion. He's a sensitive, bright, deep thinking child who has come to the decision to be vegan over many years.

When he was as young as 5, allergy testing showed a sensitivity to beef and chicken so I gave him other foods, keeping everything he was allergic to to a minimum.

In 4th grade two things happened: He saw a movie showing chickens in cramped cages, and he went to the San Diego zoo where he saw cages marked endangered species, and at this point he decided to be a vegetarian.

Jacob made this choice because he wanted to do his part to not support the endangerment of animals. We supported him in every way we could, and he never ate meat (now it's been 7 years without eating meat).

A year ago he became vegan. He decided he didn't want to support any company that would use animals in their products so he cut out gelatin, dairy, honey, eggs, and any product that he cannot prove wasn't tested on animals. This ethical veganism is disturbing to me. It is not that we prove animals were hurt in the creation of the product to not use it, it is that we have to prove they were not used in any way in the making of the product in order to use it. If we do not know then Jacob's default is to not eat or use the product. That can mean not using deodorant or not brushing teeth.

I believe he's gone too far, and I'm almost ready to stand up and say it. (Not that I've never told him my frustration. I've just respected his taking a stance that I wanted to support him.) I think anything can go too far. I believe it's wrong to keep animals in cramped conditions, but are these animals unhappy? I know God says he cares about the sparrows, but I don't think he cares about the sparrows over the people.

Yesterday it was soap. He wanted soap that was not tested on animals. I don't see how testing soap on animals can hurt them even if they were in cages as the tests were being conducted. I told him this. We bought the Jason body wash that is vegan approved (and more expensive).

I will never expect anyone to believe exactly as I do, and they cannot force me to believe as they do. I believe God loves his creation, but my conscience is not affected by eating commercially raised animals or using any soap, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant...that is on the market.

Collier Bliss

It seems a typical busy day even though I am technically on summer break. I don't know now if I will have a job in the fall. We haven't received contracts. This causes stress, but also opportunity to think of the skills I have and how they can be transferred to a new equally rewarding occupation.

This week we plan for Chelsea's graduation. I hope for a nice get together for her where she will feel loved and spurred on for a bigger, brighter future. She's my baby girl, and I love her so much.

Justin is safely in Antibes, France to study business and French. Take a look:


I love seeing him with such an adventurous spirit and no fear. He's met many in the week he's been there.

Jacob is 15. Trying to find independence, and we are trying for it to remain a safe venture for him. The loud music and incence gives me a headache, but this will pass. His veganism continues. I made vegie burgers. I used the blender to blend potatoes, beets, brocoli, carrots, and spinach with coconut milk. Then I added flour, flax seed and oats. I put it in the refrigerator then formed it into patties. We fried the patties on both sides, and then put it on the grill. Jacob said it tasted like the store bought vegie burgers. I was suprised they were any good. We'll keep working to perfect the recipe.

My esphageal manometry showed that I am a candidate for surgery. It's necessary to fix my hiatal hernia. He said the pressure in my esophagus was 250-normal is 50. I can feel that! Because of my stomach pushing up into my esophagus, it is normal for food to get stuck in my esophagus and I have acid reflux, trouble swallowing and chest pain because it becomes hard to breathe.

Ah, the adventures. I am happy to have a great support system-particulary Paul and Mom. I am totally surrounded in love.

Precious Gifts from our children

What parent doesn't like to see their children get along? When a second child is born, you want to see the older children enjoy or atleast tolerate the new child entering their life. As time progresses and you see them bond it is even more rewarding.

I can remember Justin and Chelsea behind the couch putting on a puppet show by lifting the puppet above the couch. Justin and Chelsea had many games they enjoyed together. They each had separate interest but they could and would often play together. Then Jacob was born. He was king. Chelsea thought he was the best gift God could have given her. Jacob lovingly called her Gecky. Justin also loved it when Jacob was born. He carried him everywhere, swung him on the swing and put things inside his shirt that Jacob would instantly fish out.

The past few weeks Paul and I have both watched Justin and Chelsea in conversation. We can see the love between them and it feels so good. You want them to get along as children but when they get along as adults, you have received a precious gift.

Angie Collier has been blogging about eating vegan, raising teenagers, memories of childhood, family medical problems (hospice care, cancer, knee replacement surgery) and my children's childhood since 2009.

http://angie-fromthecomputer.blogspot.com/

Christmas 2010

In my little corner of the world it is as if we had the blessed miracle with all the wonder and happiness of the savior being born. I am exaggerating, of course, but did have a very good Christmas.

I've been impressed before that my children can show a maturity that gives me reason to admire their thoughts and ideas, but this day they didn't put themselves first but instead looked to the needs of others.

Justin, Jacob and Chelsea helped cook Christmas dinner. They didn't get distracted by movies or anything else going on, but purely helped. Jacob iced some cookies, Chelsea cooked the mashed potatoes, and asparagus, Justin put things in the oven, got them out and was there for everything I needed.

I love my children through good and bad. I like it when it's good.

Jacob

Jacob will be 14 on the 20th. I have watched him grow and had so many precious moments.

He is a strong, philosophical guy and I can never guess what he is thinking. He always has me puzzled. I think I am the luckiest mother for the opportunity to learn about him.

Jacob has always loved strong movement--swings, climbing, exploring. Now at 14 he skateboards, jumps on the trampoline with his dog and is exercising all the time.

Jacob has lots of good friends. He has never been the person to collect as many friends as possible but instead find someone and know them forever. His best friend, Logan, now lives a state away but Jacob would never turn his back on him.

Happy Birthday, Jacob. I love you very much.

Chelsea

Chelsea is 19! 19! My only girl is now 19. We have moved into a different stage of our lives. I have always had a deep appreciation for her thoughts. They always make me think whether I agree with her or not.

At this new stage she is living out of our house and I respect that. She pays her bills, works and goes to school. I go the grocery store with her and watch her stretch her money to buy so much food. She is very good with making money last.

Chelsea is a thinker. When we went to visit dad in the hospital, we talked afterward about the things he said. I noticed that I would say, "What do you think he meant by _______?" I very much respect her thoughts.

I love my Chelsea. I am such a proud mother. I have to follow up with, "I am not proud of all her choices," but I am proud of the woman she is becoming.

I saw God wink

God winked at me. I know that he did. Sometimes you just know that you are pleasing God.

We spent hours shopping for Christmas and it was constant conversation with the kids. Jacob (13) loves to hear stories of when he was little. He laughs and smiles and seems to enjoy every story. Justin (21) will say "Mom, I don't want to hear that" or "Why didn't you stop me?" He finds it all so embarrassing. Chelsea (19) smiles when I talk about her silly 2 and 3 year old escapades and I can read her mind, "Mom, is being Mom and I will endure."

God winked at me and loves me and I love the memories. Forward and Upward to more beautiful memories.

My baby

I have been pondering as I go through this afternoon how I can have a more grateful spirit. I so want to say that I already do, but I know that I can get depressed. Can you get depressed when you are grateful? The two seem opposite.

Three years or less ago I was told that my daughter needed a new therapist because they just could not help her. The next therapist said she was dark inside. The next said they had never seen anyone so depressed. Finally we were told we could get hospitalization that she desperately needed if we moved to Texas. Within 2 weeks we had moved.

I don't know if all the hospitalizations helped Chelsea. I don't know how far a long she is now. I don't see the dark side. When I see her, she is happy, thankful, loving and so very much the little girl I love so much.

When you are in the midst of struggle with someone you love...gratitude is not always there, and I think God understands. I will be grateful. Life will always be hard because I feel too much but I am very grateful that Chelsea has come so far.

Passage of time

Jacob is in 8th grade now and informed me that he would start buying his lunch. Since kindergarten I have made the lunches of all 3 kids, now my youngest wants to eat like all his friends--they buy, they don't bring.

When I picked Jacob up from his youth group meeting tonight I wasn't quite sure what to do. My husband and I drove up, we saw Jacob up by the basketball goal. I looked at Paul and said "our oldest would have been mortified if I walked up to get him, but Jacob doesn't look like he will notice us." We waited, then decided to walk up. I tried to be cool. I wanted him just to notice we were there and not embarass him. He looked over and smiled.

Ahhh, the passage of time, but I love every stage of my children's lives.

Lord Get Me Through Another Day

I pray that when I get frustrated I will ask Brady to pray who says things like, "Thank you for all the kids in this class so that we can be friends."

I ask that when the whole class starts chanting "Go, Frankie, go Frankie, go Frankie" I remember that they are being supportive not trying to disrupt the class next door.

I pray that when I'm asked for the 3rd time if they can feed the fish, I don't get frustrated because we always feed the fish at the same time everyday AND not while we are doing math!

As Jesus said in Luke 18: The Kingdom belongs to the children.

Justin

Justin I've called "The Golden Child" for about 5 years now. He has this attitude that all will go right and even when others might look at his situation and think it is not going right, Justin doesn't ever see it that way.

Situation #1
When Justin was in high school he thought he didn't have a band final. A friend called him, waking him up, and told him there was a band final. With 10 minutes left in the class period Justin runs up to the band director, the band director has him play his part on percussion and all is fine.

Situation #2
Justin needs to get to the airport on Christmas Day after work. He gets to the airport early but all the parking is filled up. He drives around, his flight time getting closer and closer, he finally finds a place to park but its minutes to take off. Paul calls and tells the airline that he is on his way. They hold the plane for him!! He gets on the flight. It's all good.

Situation #3
Justin gets a call that he is late for work. He wakes up immediantly and says he will be right there. The manager meets Justin and sarcastically says, "Like to sleep in?" Several more times the manager makes a comment to Justin like "You are here on time today." Justin starts noticing the manager first and greeting him by name and saying, "How are you?" Next thing that happens is the manager asks Justin if the Hyatt can help him pay for college, help him get a job when he moves to San Antonio, etc...

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: A rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Justin would handle all 4 in a positive way.

Favorites

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.


Favorite part of life:


Paul: yes, dear (as he makes a face behind a wall)

Me: Are you sticking your tongue out at me?

Jacob: No, but he's making a really weird face.



1st grader: I wouldn't have hit them with a rock on their hand if they wouldn't have put their hand under the rock. (such perfect logic)

Me: Jacob you know you are not allowed to kiss girls.
Jacob: Too late.

Jacob: There was a friend at VBS from my school.
Me: If they're from your school then they are in our neighborhood. You should have them over.
Jacob: It's a girl.
Paul: ...how about you talking at school.

Ms. Sue: Don't get into trouble because I work at a small private school and I don't have bail money.

I just read on my brother's facebook: Choose the path that takes you toward something you love, instead of the one that takes you away from something you fear.

Remember My Name

We are so proud when we see our children learning. They smile, roll over, sit up, crawl, walk! Maybe its the teacher in me, but I like the "other" first: writing their name, counting by 2's, learning the multiplication tables AND when they surpass me in knowledge. Justin is very good at explaining to me about things that I know nothing about. I love it.

Today while moving the desk Jacob had outgrown out of his room, I noticed he had carved his name on it! I called him over in unbelief that I had never noticed this before. With his big smile and giggle he said, " I did that when I was 6 and look I wrote the "C" for Collier because I didn't want anyone to think it was some other Jacob."

When Paul and I first married his family would tell me stories of Paul. Paul was the baby of the family and so all his siblings had stories. One of my favorites was when Paul had just learned to write his name and he went into his brother's bedroom and on his brother's desk, he wrote his name! Paul was so proud of himself that he learned to write his name.

Our daughter was proud when she learned to write her name. She was sitting, rock in hand, on the trunk of our car when she decided to practice writing her name. In big 18 inch letters she spelled her name, correctly, on the trunk. I was so upset. I took her around Alamogordo explaining graffiti and that it was against the law to write on other people's property. Just like Paul and Jacob, Chelsea was just proud that she could write her name.

Spider Webs, Rivers, and Drive In Windows

Just finished up Vacation Bible School and had so many fun times with the kids. Cindi and I started to reminisce about the fun activities we did with our children.

Spider Webs: Justin and his friends were about 7 years old and I gave them each a roll of yarn and they had the den to make spider webs. They stretched the string from one chair to the next and across the room. They had fun making it, climbing through it, and then a few weeks later cutting it down. I gave them each a pair of scissors and they cut away at their strings while I came around collecting all the pieces.

Rivers: This was so much fun that the kids gave it a title. They would take the water hose and let the water run to make indentions in the yard. They then would take dump trucks to move the earth, make highways, and bodies of water for boats. This was an ongoing activity summer after summer after summer.

Drive In Windows: Our house was the meeting place for Justin and his friends between the ages of 6 and 8. Chelsea had her friend Johanna and all of them would order their food from outside. I had a sliding window in my kitchen. The kids, with help from Paul, made a menu complete with drinks, popsicles, corn dogs and chicken nuggets. The kids would pretend to honk their horn, I would slide open the window and they would place their order. I then would tell them to pull around and they would go to the sliding glass door to pick up their order.

I treasure each and every stage of their precious lives.

Justin and Chelsea's Photography

Justin and Chelsea won ribbons for their photography when they were between 8 and 10 years old. Chelsea always concentrated on the animals. Justin's photography focused more broadly. I loved the way Chelsea dressed the rabbits for graduation, marriage, and any other event her and her friend Cayla felt the rabbits needed to attend. Below you will see Starburst and Honey's wedding reception. She planned on breeding them and (of course) needed to have them married first.