Major Depressive Disorder

I've had many episodes of major depressive disorder over the years. Most are kicked off by an event, my husband going to war, my son being diagnosed with schizophrenia..., but this last episode started when I had a medication change. I have not been able to find a substitute medication in the last year and a half. My mom was diagnosed with a terminal illness in February, and passed away June 10 so I am struggling. I thought it might help to relay how my depression is presenting.

I am going through my days in a fog. Every step seems to be a push to get it accomplished. I wake up 45 minutes before I need to get on the computer to start work. This is just enough time to get coffee and comb my hair. Thinking is a difficult task so I leave myself many sticky notes to avoid as much "brain" work as I can.

I smile. I talk to people. I encourage. I cry easily. I over-think. Every relationship is now being scrutinized. I feel so over-whelmed. When mom first died, many people sent cards and I couldn't read them. I didn't want to see that she was gone. Now I read them. I thank people for sending them. I feel the pain. I live in the moment.

Most days I get little accomplished. I may go to the grocery store. I may cook dinner, write some thank you cards, go to the gym. I'm thankful my family is taking up the slack. I sit in my recliner and pull the blanket up around my neck. The blanket (no matter hot I am) keeps me safe. My anxiety is high.

This is my day. I am in a fog. I live in the moment. I get little accomplished. I am making it though. I am moving forward. I am setting goals for the future and what I want to accomplish. Check back with me.

How should we be remembered?

Okay, two posts in one day means that I need to walk away from the computer but I have thought more about my earlier post and didn't want to erase or add to it just start a different line of thought about the same subject.

I'm thinking of when my grandfather died, my mother-in-law, and my good friend Alice. We want to remember the best of them. My grandfather did some activities that can be called unethical. My mother-in-law hurt us badly. I spent an hour a day of every school day with Alice. I looked forward to seeing her and enjoyed bouncing ideas off of her, but after 2 weeks of all the good words about her, I started thinking...Alice wasn't perfect.

We all want to be remembered for our greater good. Yes, Michael Jackson should be remembered for his musical talent. Oh, that was hard to type.

Michael Jackson

I've heard of 4 deaths in the last week. The most talked about is Michael Jackson. At the beginning of this week I saw a post that someone had lost 2 brothers within 4 days. It left me speechless and in prayer for this family.

I learned yesterday that both Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson had died. I am hearing very little about Farrah Fawcett. As far as I know she lived an upstanding life. I know Michael Jackson dubbed himself the king of pop, and yes I enjoy his music, but it hits too close to home, because of his outrageous behavior toward children.

Just last week I learned that a music teacher that 2 of my children had was indicted of 10 counts of sexual exploitation of children and 43 counts of child pornography. I observed this man, admired his ability as a teacher, respected him. Before this allegation I thought of him as a mentor, and now I am conflicted. It makes me start wondering how he will be remembered when he dies.

Yes, Michael Jackson has music that I like to listen to, but will my music teacher friend be remembered for his great ability in the music field. Probably not, most likely he will slip away without mention or be remembered by his actions of child endangerment.

I remember Michael Jackson saying that he thought sharing a bed with boys was beautiful. My music teacher friend said something similar--that he thought children were beautiful and taking photos of them was a form of art.

Michael Jackson's music will live on but this outpouring of "love" makes me feel sick.