New Home?

I have this imaginary reality that we could move back to New Mexico and live a more peaceful life.  We have our church family there and friends that I miss.  I see us moving back to our old house (it will be newly rebuilt from the fire last month).  It may even save us money to move.

The downside is the kids don't want to move.  I know they've set up ties here.  Jacob has set up bad ties which he could easily set up in NM.

I think it probably just a dream not based in reality to move.  Don't we all have dreams that we think is best?  I'm waiting on an answer, but have pretty much determined moving is not the answer for us.

It seems that each time we move, it is measured with anxiety about starting over and an excitement of seeing new things.  If we moved back to New Mexico our reality may be different with a different atmosphere.

All in all I am very happy with my current situation.  I have come to love San Antonio, living near family, our church home and the people we know here.

But it still remains in the back of my head that just maybe a move back to Rio Rancho is a good choice.

Peace in chaos

I've been praying for peace for a long time.  This week was complete with broken rules, trouble with the law, unusual behavior, raised voices, eccentric behavior, no sleeping, little eating, walking out of the house, confusion.  With all that said, for the first time in 6 years, I have found peace between chaotic episodes.  I may not have days or weeks of peace like I want, but I have minutes even hours where I truly enjoy life and appreciate what I have.

Finding peace in the moment has been so rewarding.  I appreciate silence.  Instead of thinking-what should I do!!!  I think I will sit in quietness and appreciate this peace.  The peace has been such an unexpected pleasure.  I find myself loving every minute of "free time."

I still keep busy with the house, teaching, going to Ladies Bible Class, and Prayer Group.  These have become bricks on which I can build my stability.  I still want a non-chaotic life for my child but I accept what I have in the moment.  I will take each day as it comes.  Speak softly.  Not try to persuade to my point of view, but accept that he has a different reality.

I pray that I will learn the next steps for my son.  Right now I am exceedingly happy with the peace I have found for myself.

Scripture to read when stressed

Matthew 16: 19-21  "19 I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” 20 Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah. 21 From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life."

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Matthew 6:28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin."

Proverbs 4:23 "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

Psalm 91:14 "“Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name."

Psalm 91:4 "He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart."

Psalm 27:1 "The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?"

Thankful Journal page 7

-It felt so good to help my student with her vocabulary and math tests.  Small victories.

-Loved helping to give the ferret a flea bath.  It feels good to get things accomplished.

-I'm thankful that my husband will always forgive, love and continue to support me in all situations.

-I'm thankful we have plenty of glasses so when the kids leave them in their rooms, we don't run out.

-I'm thankful all 3 kids are safe.

-I'm thankful for the time spent trimming the rose bushes.

-I'm thankful to be caught up on dishes.

-I'm thankful I have people to help me cook.

-Justin called to serenate me after buying a ukelele!  I am so blessed.

Satan behind me

What a horrible Wednesday!  I can't express what it feels like to go a series of days with things going smoothly then have your son brought to you by the police.  I wish we could live out on a farm where we had more freedom and not be surrounded by the police, watchful neighbors, etc...  I don't like the "system" being involved in our lives.

I could say so much more about specific frustrations but suffice it to say-that was yesterday.  Today is today.  I have to let go of my 17 year old and watch him make mistakes and take the consequences.  It is very hard.

I've found ways through this journey to bring my spirits up and thought I'd share:

1. Listen to music.
2. Take a walk.
3. Appreciate the little things.
4. Be kind to others.
5. Talk to a 6 year old.
6. Talk to an 80 year old.
7. Eat a 1/2 pint of blueberries.
8. Write.
9. Create something with your hands.
10. Clean the house.
11. Write a letter or send a card.
12. Dance.
13. Hug someone.

Thankful Journal Page 5

-Thursday was relaxing.  I appreciate taking a nap.  I appreciate the fun things we do as I tutor Viviana.  She made a heart out of slime today-not math going on-but a great moment.

-I'm thankful for a safe environment to face trials we are going through with a councelor.

-I'm thankful that I have time with Jacob.  Those precious, pure moments that can never be replaced.

-I'm thankful for a phone call from Justin.

-I'm thankful for getting clutter cleaned up in the house.

-I'm thankful for bathing the ferret with Jacob.

-I'm thankful for getting the car washed.

-I'm thankful for a walk around the block with Chelsea.

-I'm thankful for a cup of hot tea from Paul.

Thankful Journal Page 6

It is a happy day in our household-not because of anything particularly fantastic going on but because I have no crisis in front of me.  Oh, happy day!!!

Thankful Journal Page 6

-I'm thankful for the traffic opening up and being able to easily merge into a lane-those wonderful, God given joys.

-I'm thankful for a calm Valentines dinner with Paul.

-I'm thankful for being able to cook with Chelsea.

-I'm thankful for the good grade one of my little students made!

-I'm thankful that I have persevered and not missed a day's work since the house burned down.  Keep those depressing thoughts away from me.

-I'm thankful for the squirrels that run amongst our trees and provide delightful laughs at their antics.

-I'm thankful for the beautiful weather where I can go on a walk and get much needed excercise.

Self fullfilling prophesy

I think that I have come to tell myself that I have no ambition and that it has become a self fullfilling prophesy.  The truth is that I do have ambition.  I teach, I keep the house going, I interact with family and friends...  I think it is hard for me to get going at times because of the difficulties I am going through but I am focusing on God and praying ALOT.

As I read Job I realize that I am not destroyed.  I have a wonderful husband and it's me that keeps my head in the dark clouds-not him.  I have supportive kids that have only positive uplifting things to say.  Whether I learn to effectively pursue life with excitement and zeal is up to me.

The future I do not know but I am excited to find out.  Hebrew 12:28-Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe.

Beautiful moments

I remember many years ago at band camp with my son Justin and it started raining during an outdoor performance.  The band was under a pavillion so we all started moving on stage with them and the concert continued.  The sound of the band surrounded and overwhelmed us.  The rain on the tin roof was incredible.  It was a beautiful moment.

I've come to realize through my thankful journal that I have beautiful moments every day.  My entries have become circular in that I have similar beautiful moments every day.  My entries show that I am thankful for time with friends and family, I enjoy teaching, and I love being outside and enjoying nature. These things repeat themselves as I start page 5 of my thankful journal.

I don't know what the future holds with my Jacob, or with my career, but I can be thankful for the beautiful moments that I have today.

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.  II Chron. 16:9