Proposed plan

When you're dealing with mental illness you are always looking for a plan of action. We have two things we are dealing with-my son's schizophrenia and my depression. We need a plan of action for both.

We plan to go back to the psychiatrist and perhaps get a medicine increase for my son in hopes that it will help the lack of motivation, focus and anger outbursts. I feel we have come such a long ways with him that I hate to jinx it by increasing the meds once again. He really wants to go to college and he needs the focus and stamina in order to do it. I want to know if a medicine increase will help. He hasn't cut himself since he dropped out of college. Yesterday he bought a cigarette lighter. I'm afraid it's to huff. There is no plan of action in place to stop him from committing suicide. He talks about it all the time. I think one plan is for him to start seeing a therapist to talk about options for his future. I'd like her opinion on if college is even feasible, what kind of job he can have and how to get him to do his hobbies.

I went to the therapist today about my anxiety and depression. She wants me to go to the gym regularly, invite friends out for lunch and try to make an effort for small talk. She said that I should start in the grocery store talking to the checker. There are many characteristics I admire of those with the gift of gab and the therapist thinks I can develop those attributes.

We have a plan.

Depression

I've been suffering from depression for at least a couple of months. I have no desire to do anything ANYTHING! It's amazing to me that nothing can bring me joy. I will dread the most incredible things. I feel silly when I tell myself I don't want to stop for gas. It's like that simple task will take it all out of me. When in fact the more I do the more fulfilled I feel.

I tend to sit in the recliner, go on Facebook and watch TV. These things don't make me happy, I just can't seem to get the energy to do the things I should do. I still cook dinner, wash the clothes, do the dishes, go to work...but everything is an effort.

I am trying to make more of an effort in hopes the joy will return. I went to the library and got books to read. I use to love reading. I'm going to church on Wednesday nights in hopes that the joy for being around Christian friends will return. My goals are to exercise and to spend more time with my husband.

I pray this depression will not last. It is suffocating.

College

We took a big step. He wanted to go to college. He did well on his placement tests. Talked easily to the admissions person and seemed to be on track to making it work. My biggest fear was him getting up and getting there on time. He doesn't drive so he has to be driven and picked up. I was wrong. Getting there was no problem. Actively participating while there was a problem.

I recently learned that motivation is affected with schizophrenia. He would get to class, leave to take a smoke break, be gone 40 minutes,write in his journal during lecture (mostly numbers) and not participate. Half way through the course we were called into the dean's office and told that he couldn't pass the way he was going. They wanted to withdraw him and try again in July.

He was all for withdrawal. He realized that he couldn't keep up with assignments. I'm afraid that starting again in July will bring the same results. He just isn't motivated to sit in class and learn. Then once he's home he's in the routine of sleeping, painting, writing poetry and watching TV. He could never focus to do assignments. He'd talk at length about the assignments, but never do them.

I pray that he can find his place and be a functioning member of society. I accept now that he's happy being at home with his painting and poetry. I feel anxiety at times when I go out leaving him in his room, but that's where he wants to be. He rarely goes with me when I ask him if he wants to go somewhere.

I wish I knew how to help him. We are currently going through many stressors. He's cutting, huffing, and having anger outbursts. I'm wondering if college was too much for him and that's why he's having these problems.

It's all so overwhelming. I appreciate the support I get through church, my husband, mother, daughter and son. It's hard to focus on the positive sometimes when you are faced daily with the challenges of schizophrenia.

Feeling depressed

Yesterday was a bad night. He lost his phone and when he asked me if I was sad about it and I said yes, he erupted. The next 3 hours was tirades of cussing, anger, crying, and lots of talking. I kept telling him I felt bullied. I just don't understand the reaction. There is no understanding that other people have feelings. He finally apologized but also wanted an apology. I just don't understand the rational.

We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I'm going to ask for a medicine increase. I'm hoping the medicine can better control the anger. We've had a rough 2015 so far. The anger seems to be closer to the forefront than it was in 2014. In 2014 we were looking at disorganized speech and large body movements. This year it's talking to himself and anger explosions.

I read that showing understanding of feelings helps the schizophrenic. I think in the moment I freeze. When he says he wants to kill himself I just start saying how that's not the answer instead of saying I understand that he's sad. Maybe I can try it next time.

Symptoms of Schizophrenia revisited

I had to look up the symptoms for schizophrenia again. The last couple of days he has had excessive body movements, strange posturing, leaning his head to the side and I didn't know if this was part of schizophrenia. It's been a long time since I've seen delusions or hallucinations and I started doubting whether we've got the right diagnosis.

As I went through the list of symptoms for schizophrenia, I saw that he's had all of them at one time. Now that he's on the right medication we have only seen disorganized speech and the body movements. Yes, the abnormal motor behavior is on the list of symptoms. I am back to thinking we have the correct diagnosis of schizophrenia, but I see a better outlook to being able to manage it.

We have not seen agitation, delusions, hallucinations or paranoid thinking in at least 6 months. This is what makes me start thinking it's not schizophrenia, but I have to face facts that the reason we are not seeing those symptoms is because the medicine is working. I do worry that the inappropriate and bizarre posture, or useless and excessive movement can hinder his job prospects. Part of rejoining society is getting into the work force. I will try not to hold him back out of fear.

Symptoms of schizophrenia listed from the Mayo Clinic:


Delusions. These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; a major catastrophe is about to occur; or your body is not functioning properly. Delusions occur in as many as 4 out of 5 people with schizophrenia.
Hallucinations. These usually involve seeing or hearing things that don't exist. Yet for the person with schizophrenia, they have the full force and impact of a normal experience. Hallucinations can be in any of the senses, but hearing voices is the most common hallucination.
Disorganized thinking (speech). Disorganized thinking is inferred from disorganized speech. Effective communication can be impaired, and answers to questions may be partially or completely unrelated. Rarely, speech may include putting together meaningless words that can't be understood, sometimes known as word salad.
Extremely disorganized or abnormal motor behavior. This may show in a number of ways, ranging from childlike silliness to unpredictable agitation. Behavior is not focused on a goal, which makes it hard to perform tasks. Abnormal motor behavior can include resistance to instructions, inappropriate and bizarre posture, a complete lack of response, or useless and excessive movement.
Negative symptoms. This refers to reduced ability or lack of ability to function normally. For example, the person appears to lack emotion, such as not making eye contact, not changing facial expressions, speaking without inflection or monotone, or not adding hand or head movements that normally provide the emotional emphasis in speech. Also, the person may have a reduced ability to plan or carry out activities, such as decreased talking and neglect of personal hygiene, or have a loss of interest in everyday activities, social withdrawal or a lack of ability to experience pleasure.

Living in the present

Several years ago, before we had the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I wrote that I wished I could fast forward 10 years. I thought that by then my work situation would be better, my son would be better, my older two children would be out of the house and married. I thought I would be teaching, loving some grandchildren and all would be at peace. We are closer now to that 10 year point. My oldest is out of the house, enjoying his job, and dating someone. My daughter is working, going to college and thinking of marriage. My youngest is stable.

I no longer wish for the future to hurry up and get here. As it says in the bible, "Today has enough trouble of its own." I no longer wish for the future because I am content in today. I am very proud of all 3 kids and I have the best husband.

I live in the present and I'm thankful for my husband filling my tires up with air and putting gas in the car. I'm thankful for the conversation on the phone with my son and hearing how he loves the big city. I'm thankful for my daughter cooking dinner and I'm proud to have the time with my youngest getting groceries.

I no longer wish for the future (sometimes I fear the future). But mostly I want to live in today and recognize the blessings. I can see how God has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm happy where we are today. I cannot say I am happy that we went through the trials but I can say I'm glad we made it to the other side. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of memorizing scripture, and a lot of talk therapy to get us to the other side. I can say living in the present is far better than living in the past, and I don't want to yearn for the future; I want to accept the present.

Less anxious

I am happy to write this post. Most times I write because I am anxious, fearful, sometimes even scared about what's going on in the household. Today I am happy.

My son is back to his "old self" enough that he has done an amazing job helping with housework this week. He has emptied the dishwasher several times, vacuumed, emptied trash cans, and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm so happy that he's wanting to help. I haven't seen the involuntary movements which use to be a side effect. I'm hoping that is gone now. He almost looks normal. Sometimes I do feel he looks normal to the outside world.

I don't know why it's important to me that people look at him as a normal person in society, but it's very important to me. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He's harmless right now. Hopefully it will stay that way for a long time.

This has been a good week. Instead of him spending all his time in his bedroom, he's been more sociable.