Several years ago, before we had the diagnosis of schizophrenia, I wrote that I wished I could fast forward 10 years. I thought that by then my work situation would be better, my son would be better, my older two children would be out of the house and married. I thought I would be teaching, loving some grandchildren and all would be at peace. We are closer now to that 10 year point. My oldest is out of the house, enjoying his job, and dating someone. My daughter is working, going to college and thinking of marriage. My youngest is stable.
I no longer wish for the future to hurry up and get here. As it says in the bible, "Today has enough trouble of its own." I no longer wish for the future because I am content in today. I am very proud of all 3 kids and I have the best husband.
I live in the present and I'm thankful for my husband filling my tires up with air and putting gas in the car. I'm thankful for the conversation on the phone with my son and hearing how he loves the big city. I'm thankful for my daughter cooking dinner and I'm proud to have the time with my youngest getting groceries.
I no longer wish for the future (sometimes I fear the future). But mostly I want to live in today and recognize the blessings. I can see how God has brought us through the valley of the shadow of death. I'm happy where we are today. I cannot say I am happy that we went through the trials but I can say I'm glad we made it to the other side. It took a lot of prayer, a lot of memorizing scripture, and a lot of talk therapy to get us to the other side. I can say living in the present is far better than living in the past, and I don't want to yearn for the future; I want to accept the present.
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Less anxious
I am happy to write this post. Most times I write because I am anxious, fearful, sometimes even scared about what's going on in the household. Today I am happy.
My son is back to his "old self" enough that he has done an amazing job helping with housework this week. He has emptied the dishwasher several times, vacuumed, emptied trash cans, and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm so happy that he's wanting to help. I haven't seen the involuntary movements which use to be a side effect. I'm hoping that is gone now. He almost looks normal. Sometimes I do feel he looks normal to the outside world.
I don't know why it's important to me that people look at him as a normal person in society, but it's very important to me. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He's harmless right now. Hopefully it will stay that way for a long time.
This has been a good week. Instead of him spending all his time in his bedroom, he's been more sociable.
My son is back to his "old self" enough that he has done an amazing job helping with housework this week. He has emptied the dishwasher several times, vacuumed, emptied trash cans, and cleaned the bathrooms. I'm so happy that he's wanting to help. I haven't seen the involuntary movements which use to be a side effect. I'm hoping that is gone now. He almost looks normal. Sometimes I do feel he looks normal to the outside world.
I don't know why it's important to me that people look at him as a normal person in society, but it's very important to me. He has lots of redeeming qualities. He's harmless right now. Hopefully it will stay that way for a long time.
This has been a good week. Instead of him spending all his time in his bedroom, he's been more sociable.
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Hope for the future
It's been since April or May since the last schizophrenic episode. It's getting easier to not fear the worst when I have flash backs of past events. A distant cousin told me of her nephew that has schizophrenia. She said that he is married and occasionally has anger issues when he doesn't take his medicine. I pray that my son can lead a "normal" life with a wife and children. He has not been aggressive since he was regulated on 40 mg of Latuda. He's doing well on the medicine and for now he's taking it without complaint.
The last few weeks we've had several trials (which don't come close to the stress schizophrenia can cause). First Paul had a car accident that landed us in the emergency room with fear he had a concussion. Just a few days later he was riding his bike and flipped over the handle bars of the bike. He hurt his hand and wrist. Our daughter has been complaining for months about her bed so we bought her a new bed. In the meantime, the TV went out and we bought a new one which meant we also had to buy a TV stand. Jacob complained about a toothache and the dentist told us he had an infection and needed a root canal. He got the root canal and is taking antibiotics for the infection. It's been a week and he still complains of pain. Hopefully that will end soon. THEN I came home to melted ice around the refrigerator. A repairman charged us $78 to tell us the compressor was out and we needed a new refrigerator. Our bank account is dry!
Again, this doesn't compare with the stress of mental illness. On medicine we are not dealing with anger, delusions, confused speech, or voices. He does have depression which leaves him talking little, sleeping a lot and staying in his room. I am always elated when he smiles, laughs or helps around the house. It's amazing how your expectations can change. He use to do chores everyday now once a week if he empties the dishwasher I am happy.
We are at a better place and pray he continues with his medicine and that I can stop analyzing his mood all the time. I haven't cried in months which I take as a good sign. It means I have hope for the future.
The last few weeks we've had several trials (which don't come close to the stress schizophrenia can cause). First Paul had a car accident that landed us in the emergency room with fear he had a concussion. Just a few days later he was riding his bike and flipped over the handle bars of the bike. He hurt his hand and wrist. Our daughter has been complaining for months about her bed so we bought her a new bed. In the meantime, the TV went out and we bought a new one which meant we also had to buy a TV stand. Jacob complained about a toothache and the dentist told us he had an infection and needed a root canal. He got the root canal and is taking antibiotics for the infection. It's been a week and he still complains of pain. Hopefully that will end soon. THEN I came home to melted ice around the refrigerator. A repairman charged us $78 to tell us the compressor was out and we needed a new refrigerator. Our bank account is dry!
Again, this doesn't compare with the stress of mental illness. On medicine we are not dealing with anger, delusions, confused speech, or voices. He does have depression which leaves him talking little, sleeping a lot and staying in his room. I am always elated when he smiles, laughs or helps around the house. It's amazing how your expectations can change. He use to do chores everyday now once a week if he empties the dishwasher I am happy.
We are at a better place and pray he continues with his medicine and that I can stop analyzing his mood all the time. I haven't cried in months which I take as a good sign. It means I have hope for the future.
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